Some days, walking to work in the morning feels like an insult. You know? Like, why should I have to put so much personal effort into my own suffering? The staid and routine become suddenly insurmountable obstacles in the face of another day spent hacking through the Everglades of my inbox. Crossing the street, I might as well be fording the Amazon. Except for then I�d probably have a research grant or something. I wonder if I could possibly swing some government subsidized street crossing? Eh, probably not.
So anyway, while I am currently trying to make the most out of a Sisyphean assignment (which, like most other assignments I�ve received here, I�ve already done once before), allow me to get to the real subject of today�s errant invective: Miss Gwyneth Paltrow. I have composed the following as an open letter:
Dear Miss Gwyneth Paltrow,
Back when you were with Brad Pitt, and you guys made that math movie, Se7en, everyone was all, "Ooh, they�re so pretty and blonde together! I wonder what their babies will look like! Probably all tall and blonde and gorgeous and stuff, don�t you think?" And I was all, "Sure." And then you two split up and you, Miss Gwyneth Paltrow, made a couple more movies, established yourself as a Gifted Actress.
And that�s when you gave that interview where you made those flippant remarks about your prior movie roles, saying that films like A Perfect Murder were fine to watch on Pay-per-View in your motel room, but that you would never do another movie "like that" again (one word: Duets). And I was all, "Well, excuse me, Miss Thing, I didn�t realize your effusive talents were being squandered in such piddling fare as the remake of one of Alfred Hitchcock�s most celebrated classics."
So by the time you won your Oscar� for Shakespeare in Love (which I�m not above admitting you deserved) and everyone else started hating you, they were really just copying me. But then you started to show that you had a sense of humor by doing stuff like Shallow Hal and A View From the Top (okay, I didn�t say you had a good sense of humor), and I kinda warmed up to you again.
And now you�re back up to your old tricks! In this issue of EW, you call A View From the Top the "worst movie ever made"! And then this whole bit here? Where you profess that of all the films you�ve made in the last few years, the only two you hold any esteem for are The Talented Mr. Ripley and The Royal Tenenbaums? Well that really kind of pisses me off!
I�m not all against you because of your seemingly effortless rise to the top, as EW erroneously assumes (in the You�re Just Jealous department of social relations), but rather because you, Miss Gwyneth Paltrow, have a habit of denigrating your own work.
I mean, you don�t have to like A View From the Top, but you�re not the only person who worked on it, you know? That movie had a writer, a director, and a cast, and by dismissing the entire film out of hand, you�re effectively peeing all over their contributions as well. Now, I really do think you�re a talented performer, and maybe your comments are being taken out of context or whatever (I know it�s hard to interpret a person�s true meaning without benefit of vocal inflection and placement and shit), but maybe you could watch the sweeping condemnations and cavalier detractions from now on, huh?
Sincerely,
Dr. No
Someone Got Here By Searching For: swollen-beer-gut And: how to plan my day I�m Watching: Alias. Damn I love that show. I�m Reading: This interview in EW.