Domino: I�m sorry if I�m calling too early, but I just had to tell you about my morning!Me: [Grunt.]
Domino: Is it too early? Where are you?
Me: I�m driving to work. It�s, like, zero o�clock...how have you already had a morning yet?
Domino: Well, I stopped for coffee on my way to work, because...well, because I really don�t give a shit if I�m late anymore.
Me: I like this story already.
Domino: And you�ll never believe who I saw! It was Judy Greer!
Me: Oh, cool. What was she doing?
Domino: Okay, you know how sometimes, in real life, comedians do something that�s unintentionally hilarious and people laugh at them, and they get really pissed off?
Me: Hee! Yes. I�m picturing it.
Domino: Well, she was walking this dog. Or, more like the dog was walking her. I mean, I love Judy Greer, but she�s like a paper clip with legs, and this dog was the size of a tugboat.
Me: What kind of dog was it?
Domino: I don�t know. A mastiff? Or a mastadon, something like that. It looked like a pit bull, only like freakishly large.
Me: Maybe Judy Greer is really a crazed geneticist playing God in her basement with canine and gorilla DNA!
Domino: Okay. But I get to be the princess.
Me: Shut up. My fantasies are fun. How great would the world be if Judy Greer was a mad scientist with a lab in her basement?
Domino: Why is she wasting her time and resources making enormous dogs that she can�t control?
Me: Well, she�d need something to guard her secret, underground lair, wouldn�t she? And killer, mutant, Cujo attack dogs need to go walkies, too.
Domino: Did you just say �walkies�?
Me: What�s the rest of your story?
Domino: Actually, that�s about it: Judy Greer, gigantic dog, unintentional hilarity.
Me: Unintentional hilarity is the best kind.
Domino: If you think so, you�d loved to have seen me and Octopussy on Saturday night when we spent two hours taking apart the vacuum cleaner and being unable to get it back together again.
Me: Okay, wait...I�m picturing it. Hee! Go on. Why were you This Old House-ing the vacuum cleaner?
Domino: Well, Octopussy sort of accidentally sucked two of her belts into it, and the whole thing shut down.
Me: How did sh�
Domino: You�re asking me? Vacuuming is the sort of thing my roommates do when I�m not around because they�re afraid they�ll get into trouble.
Me: Trouble of the �missing belts/broken appliance� sort?
Domino: Precisely. We tried really hard to save them, too. The belts and the vacuum. But we couldn�t get them out, and then we smelled burning and gave up. So we have a pretty new vacuum, now!
Me: I do love a happy ending.
Domino: Anyway, I just wanted to share. But I�ll let you go and keep driving to work.
Me: Work? Oh! Oh yeah. Shit. Well, hey, if you see Judy Greer again, tell her that I support her efforts on behalf of the scientific community!
Domino: I�ll...not do that.
Me: Party pooper.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: People are still finding my site by searching for nude photos of American Idol contestants from, like, two seasons ago. What is WITH that? I�m Watching: Passions, indefinitely. I�m so glad we finally know the secret of the gazebo! I�m Reading: Trace, by Patricia Cornwell, indefinitely. I have GOT to find more time to read.
A Year Ago, I Said:
Although it often feels as if I must be some kind of meditative guru who has transcended the bounds of this "natural" "reality", and am currently existing on several planes of existence simultaneously, and am thereby experiencing more than one day�s worth of bullshit at a time.
Being an Optimist Kind of Sucks
6-10-2004
� 2005 by Dr. No, all rights reserved; you break it, you buy it.