So a couple days ago, I stumbled across this site here on diaryland called Diary Reviews, in which they evaluate your writings based upon several different criteria, including structure, design, and content. I�m not generally the type to put much stock in the opinions of critics, but I thought it was worth a lark, and it would give me an idea of what all these random people who accidentally stumble over my site while trying to figure out if Clay Aiken is really gay or not are thinking when they read this shit.
Well, the review went up today, and people? I got a 68. A 68! Out of 100! That�s, like, a D+. Which is total bullshit, in my own humble opinion (which is all that truly matters). This is certainly not a D+ effort over here, y�all, and while this may not be The Screwtape Letters or Wuthering Heights or some dry, fusty crapfest like that, I�m rather proud of it, and now feel the need to defend myself. Ergo, I will be reviewing my review, as well as my reviewer, the indefensible Vanessa.
Contact: I received a 5 out of a possible 5 here, because I had two forms of contact (guestbook and email) available on my immediate page. Plus, if you feel like doing a little digging, you can also leave me a note, as some chick did who didn�t much care for my musings on destiny. Well, I can�t argue with a perfect 5/5, I guess.
Errors: Again, I got 5/5, because she couldn�t find any. Which doesn�t mean they aren�t there. After all, this chick who reviewed me misspelled �solemn� and �frustrating�, so I don�t know how reliable she is in this area. Still, 5/5 for Vanessa.
Navigation: 7/10 because she says my link titles are confusing (ie � �old schemes�, �new scheme�, etc.) I�ll grant her that, because they are a little, but not frustratingly so (excuse me � �frusteratingly�), and if you roll your cursor over them, the address pops up in the lower left corner of your screen. If you�re too lazy to check that out, then don�t even talk to me. I�m giving her 6/10 for this for being lazy.
Updates: I quote -- �You have entries almost every day. Sometimes you miss a view days. As far as I looked I only saw one multiple. But you seem dedicated enough.� Yes, I missed a �view� days. Those days were all weekends, though, and I don�t think that should count against me. 12/15 for this one, and I think I�ll return the favor, subtracting one point for spelling. 11/15, Vanessa.
Layout Design: Here�s where it gets good. First she criticizes me for having a �solom� design, that creeps her out, and then says she likes the �it could be worse, you know� tagline. Then she turns back on that dime and claims there are �other aspects of the design� that �somewhat bother [her]�. She never says what these aspects are, why they bother her, or what could be done to fix that. Evidently, the profusion of links confuses her, as well, and then she states �There is also no next of previous links that I could find�. I�m assuming what she meant to say was �there are no next or previous links that I could find�, and I�m also assuming that she was suddenly and temporarily blinded by a Spitting Cobra, as both the �next� and �previous� links are at the bottom of my page, just above my notifylist. Which anyone who isn�t blind really ought to be able to see pretty clearly. She gave me 12/20 for my layout, and I think I�m giving her an 8/20 for this portion of the review. That�s just sloppy work, if you ask me.
Content: This one�s my favorite. She claims my entries are �very long� and �intimidating� (and if she said this to me in a bar, I�d be quite flattered, but I don�t think this was meant to be a pickup line). Then she says this (and again, I quote) -- �And literally all i've caught you talking about was who called you and what you said and movies for hostage.� First of all, Vanessa, you should really capitalize that i, and second of all, all I talk about is �movies for hostage�? The hell? That was a quip I made once, and granted it was in a phone conversation (of sorts), I�d hardly say it qualifies as something I �always talk about�. Then she adds, �And complaining about your job�. To be fair, I do complain about my job. A lot. Touch�, Vanessa. But then came this -- �I had a hard time keeping interesting in your journal�. Well, you had a hard time keeping interesting in your review, but I�ll let it slide this once. Wait, no I won�t. Because next came this bit -- �But the few times I could look, I did find your sense of attitude that made it a bit more interested� (emphasis mine). �The few times she could look�? What, am I murdering children in here? What�s so hard to watch? I�m glad she likes my attitude, since I have so much of it to throw around, but the phraseology of �your sense of attitude that made it a bit more interested� grates right on that last, raw nerve of mine. She gave me a 24/35, but I�m going to have to give her a 19/35, because the Diary Reviews rules clearly state that the reviewer will be reading at least 10 entries. From her own words, I gather Vanessa skimmed a few entries (�all [she�s] caught [me] talking about�), and that�s a pretty lousy way to review something. At the very least, it�s certainly not a very thorough way to review something.
Would I Come Back? She says �probably not�, which really breaks me up, but then she gives me 1/5 because of it! Wait, I get penalized because my reviewer was deficient? I�m giving a big, fat goose egg for this portion. 0/5, Vanessa.
Bonus: I get 2 points for having a notifylist and that drop-down menu of my most popular entries. I receive nothing for my daily quiz, or my list of links in the upper right corner. Vanessa gets one point in this category for actually recommending some reading, as you shall see below. 1/5 for this category.
Total Points: 55/100
Recommended Reading: She suggests y�all take a look at �the beginning of A Cast of Thousands�, which she claims �cracked [her] up�. That�s all very nice, but that section is certainly not exemplary of my best writing, nor is it particularly amusing. I would much rather you guys read portions of How Could You Axe Me That, Part II or Everybody�s Stupid Except For Me if you want to see my �attitude�, as Vanessa puts it.
To sum up, I think I got a bum rap. I may or may not resubmit after the requisite amount of time has passed, but frankly, I�m not sure I care to have these people evaluating the quality of my work again. I�m duly unimpressed. Maybe Vanessa was just in a hurry or having a bad day, or maybe she was possessed by the demon Barracados, or something, but I believe I�m vindicated in my petty review review.
What do you guys think? And be nice, or you�ll be up here tomorrow.
So there, Vanessa.
