Fuck the world. Valentine's Day is a dirty sham, and people everywhere should be ashamed of themselves for buying into that smarmy hearts-and-flowers bullshit. Like some fat-ass, crossbow-wielding, winged baby is really just hovering in the tops of the sycamores, waiting to pierce you with the arrow of luuuuurve. Serves you right if you get shot right through your na�ve, stupid, foolish-ass, amatory heart anyway, I say. Fuck 'em all.
Oh, did I mention that I got fucking DUMPED last night? I didn't? Oh. Well, guess what, everyone! I GOT DUMPED! Well, I guess you couldn't really call it 'dumping', per se, since we were only dating, and had only been so for two weeks, but WHAT THE SHIT?? Why not call a spade a spade, right? I GOT DUMPED! WOOOOOOOOOO!!! Let's hear it for the dumped! WOOOOOOOOO!!!
Let me see if I remember what the reason was exactly. It went something like this: blah blah biddy blah, you're everything I'm looking for, but blah blah let's be friends blah blah oh, this is so hard for me blah. Something like that. I've heard it before, so I tend to just distill it down to it's finer parts. Let's start from the top, shall we?
So he calls up all, "There's something I want to talk about," as if I don't know what the fuck that means. Like I've never been FUCKING DUMPED before. So he comes over and looks all uncomfortable (poor baby) and sits down and proceeds to tell me that, "you and me dating...isn't something I think I want to continue right now." Oh, it isn't? "And it's really strange, too, because you're seriously everything I'm looking for right now, but...I don't know." Yeah? Look for this, jackass!
Seriously! What is that? I'm "everything [he's] looking for"? Oh great! Wooooo! I win! Oh, wait, NO I DON'T.
"I guess I just don't feel it, and I don't get it because, like I said, you're exactly what I want, and you're really cute, too." Oh, bonus! Not only am I perfect, I'm also attractive! That'll keep me warm in the middle of the night when I'm curled up with my NOTHING, staring at the wall, and listening to Aimee Mann sing about what it's like to be a loveless freak who isn't even worth being filled with air!
"But the thing is, I'd really, really like to be friends." Great! GREAT! FRIENDS! PERfect! That's what I wanted, too! I loooooove being friends with people who REJECT ME! Maybe I can introduce you to my friends as The One That Got Away, and you can introduce me to your friends as The One I Threw Back! That sounds like fun! Oh, hey, I think your foot is on my pride there. Yeah, I think that's my pride -- right there under your heel. No, to the left. No, that's a piece of tape. My pride is that smaller one, next to it. Right.
"Jeez, I feel like a total shithead...I mean, this is so much harder than I thought it would be." Well, gee. Sorry? What do you want from me, a fucking sympathy card?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm sorry that DUMPING my ass
Wasn't easier for you!
Tell you what: next time you just give me a heads-up and I'll dump myself! No muss, no fuss, no chance I might go axe-murder crazy on you or set fire to myself!"You're not like other guys." This one is my favorite, by far. I've heard it a few times now, and it stops being flattering when you realize that it's only the first part of the complete phrase, "You're not like other guys...who are, y'know, worth dating." I'm sick of not being like "other guys". "Other guys" are evidently the ones having all the fun. "Other guys" aren't the ones getting the Really Nice Kiss-Off.
I don't know. If I'm getting FUCKING REJECTED, I'd almost rather it not be done nicely. I mean, how am I supposed to get all worked up into a lather and hate the shit out of someone who already feels terrible about grinding his Skechers into my tender pride?
DAMMIT! I'm SO pissed OFF! You know, it's not like we were in love or anything, but I felt like I'd FINALLY met someone where it would be okay to start caring, because I wouldn't have to wake up and hate myself over it the next day. And you know, I see what he's saying. I'd be lying if I said I thought we had perfect romantic chemistry, but I was willing to let that part develop, because we were on the same page, and he was a really decent guy, and he was hot, damn it all! I thought, "At last! Someone who's got everything!"
Everything but an interest in me, evidently. Seriously, I'm so angry. It's hard enough to date, let alone to find someone who meets up to all the ridiculous specifications I've set for myself. I mean, it's not like I've got height and weight restrictions, but I want a nice guy, who doesn't smoke, who isn't a fucking player, and who isn't just looking for a piece of ass. Do you have ANY idea how hard that is to find in general, let alone in L.A.? Gay men aren't exactly notorious for their Victorian notions of romance and propriety, you know? I mean, I was absolutely floored (not to mention ecstatic) when this guy actually gave ME the Sex Should Wait speech before I could give it to him.
Damn it. Damn it, damn it, DAMN IT! How am I supposed to find that again? Try telling a guy in this day and age that you don't believe in casual sex or whatever and you'll be finishing that sentence to his taillights as he drives off and leaves your ass at the bar or the club or wherever the fuck you met him, because THERE JUST ISN'T ANY PLACE TO MEET QUALITY MEN ANYMORE! Oh, fuck it.
I'm so sick of this shit. I'm going to be a lesbian now.
The worst part? I'm seriously considering being his friend now. I NEVER do that. Usually, my pride is all, "Um, no. With a great big H-E-L-L in front of it." I just have such a hard time looking someone in the eye, knowing that I didn't measure up, knowing that I simply wasn't good enough. Especially if I have or have had feelings for that person. What if I have to watch him date someone else? What if I have to see him happy with someone who's not me? Then I have to start wondering, "What's that guy got that I don't? What's wrong with me, anyway?" Fortunately, like I said, this relationship never reached the point where my heart got broken, but still. It sucks.
The fact of the matter is, I really do like him, and not just Like That. I like him as a person and as a friend, and the truth is that I could really use some more gay male friends. Not that there's anything wrong with my straight female friends -- you guys rock, seriously -- but just like girls need girl friends, guys need guy friends. Now I just have to figure out how to choke down what's left of my shrunken, withered, fossilized, bonsai pride.
Fuck.