� Memoirs of an Evil Genius �
Conquering the World, One Martini at a Time

� The One With the Tiny Sweater �
11:50 a.m., 2003-12-15

In sitting down to report the events of the weekend, I was really unsure of where to begin. I think I might as well start with Friday, when I skipped out of work early, and thusly resurrected my fears of imminent firing.

Now I didn�t just�leave, or whatever. Well, I mean, I kinda did, but I had my reasons and I ran my premature exit through the proper channels. Sort of. Okay, here�s the deal: I had an interview pop up for another one of those freelance gigs, but I had to get to it by 6:00, and Sophie had already left for the day. So I called my agency and I sent an e-mail to Sophie, and I left work an hour early to get there. I hoped it wouldn�t be a big deal (as a temp, I�ve done stuff like this before -- just never without actually speaking to Sophie first), but I then spent the rest of the weekend worrying that I would return on Monday to find my office papered in pink slips.

I did not, I�m happy to say. In fact, Sophie didn�t even mention it at all! Actually, come to think of it, Sophie didn�t really speak to me at all, save for a hasty "good morning," as she hurried into her office. Hmm�well, whatever. As long as I�m not shitcanned.

The other thing I did this weekend was return my shitty-ass rental car. I had only reserved it for a period of two weeks, having been informed by the body shop that my own cherished car would be ready within that time frame. As it turns out, my car is still in the damn shop and I�m back to hoofing it to and from work (which, now that I�m relieved to still have a job, is less irritating). They have informed me that I can expect my car to be available "by the end of the week", which is just great, but that�s also what they said a week ago. Plus which, that and three bucks gets me a cab ride to work, you know?

If I�d been smart, I�d have just extended my rental agreement, so I could take it back next Saturday when I have to go out to the airport anyway to fly home for the Holidays. However, I am not smart (further evidence below) and I am paranoid, so I was really worried that if I held onto it for too long, the insurance company wouldn�t reimburse me.

It was the dual concerns about the state of my job and my finances that were weighing on me as I signed the paperwork at the rental place, and not the nagging sensation that I was missing something. It wasn�t until we got home that I realized I�d left my apartment keys in the shitty-ass rental car. Of course, by the time I called them (not a half-hour after dropping it off), they�d already given the car -- and my keys -- to another party. So somebody�s out there, driving my keys around town. Insert joke here about futility of losing one�s car keys when one�s car is missing already.

So then, to add insult to injury -- nay, make that �to heap insult upon injury� -- I washed my clothes this weekend, and one of my favorite sweaters shrank! I�ve had that thing for four years, and it�s now the size of a fucking cocktail napkin, which is just ridiculous, since I always, always throw it in the dryer (my philosophy being that if you can�t throw it in the dryer, then it�s too much trouble to wear), and I�ve never had a problem with it.

Obviously, the Universe is once again trying to tell me something, and I am once again too obtuse to figure it out. I�ll just have to sit here in my brand new doll-sweater and think about it.

Someone Got Here By Searching For: dodge ball "how to play dodge ball" And:: pipes for smoking crank I�m Watching: MTV�s One Bad Trip, because I�m fascinated by people playing dress-up. I�m Reading: The listings on the Preview Guide channel, which we now get! Hooray!

A Year Ago, I Said:

"I think tonight I'll go find his house and hide in the bushes with my telephoto lens and nightvision goggles, just to make sure he's not doing something crazy like trying to break into my apartment so he can steal back the hair I took off his jacket last week when I tracked him down at The Bistro and snuck into the coat room."
Zach Braff Needs to Stop Sending Me All These Love Letters
12-13-2002

� 2005 by Dr. No, all rights reserved; you break it, you buy it.



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