When I first awoke at 3:45 this morning, I saw him crouching at the foot of my bed, waiting to pounce at me like some creature from a painting by Fuseli. He wanted me, meant to have me, I could tell. And as I was making that realization, I knew the truth: he already had me. The foul demon known as Bad Mood had already fastened himself to me with a vice-like grip, and he wasn�t keen on letting go anytime soon.
I�m trying very hard to ignore him right now, but it isn�t easy, given that he�s sort of clinging to my backside with these gigantic talons and all. I�m not even sure why he�s there, to be honest. I mean, sure, I woke up at about 4:00 in the morning and it took me a good half-hour to get back to sleep, and sure, I�m sick of walking to work because I don�t have a car because the insurance company won�t get with the program and fax the damn final approval thingamabob, and sure, I�m in debt and all, but at least I have my health, right? For now.
Actually, I think what�s got this little beastie licking his chops is the ever-widening deficit in my bank account. My descent into debt was gradual but determined, like quicksand, until the Christmas season started and I pretty much went into free-fall. I mean, I knew it was coming, and I was prepared for it�well, as much as anyone can be prepared for it. I mean, when I actually saw my credit card statement, I still did that funny cartoon thing where my eyes bulged three feet out of their sockets and my brain made that "Ow-WOOGA" noise.
So I�m working on this new plan whereby I don�t spend any money. Well, not any money, since that would be impossible, but I�m trying to spend far, far less money. Not that I have a tendency to go around blowing lots of cash that I don�t have, but the temptation to go out for lunch with a friend when invited is tough to pass up. Plus, then I start feeling morose because I�m forgoing a social life, which only makes me feel worse, and better I feel happy and be broke then I save ten bucks and hate life, right?
So I�m trying to set some very real limits on myself, as far as expenditures go. I�ve already long since given up buying myself little presents like DVDs and things, but now I have to figure out how to either say no when my social life comes calling, or else how to budget my outings and enjoy my glass of water without staring longingly at those around me who are having actual food.
And I don�t mean that to be as self-pitying as it sounds, because I made my bed through several nights of wanton indulgence that I enjoyed very much, and I fully admit my culpability in the act of now being forced to lay in it (the bed). But it sucks, and my will power, most recently tested in the areas of exercise and diet, now has another decathlon to run on the fields of self-indulgence.
I know this will make me happier in the long run, but�am I being whiny if I say I hate the long run?
Someone Got Here By Searching For: "I invented post-its" And: emails with the middle finger up I�m Watching: The box of my season 2 Alias DVDs, which is still mocking me. I�m Reading: Recaps at TwoP, because they cheer me up.