I was so excited for last night. I mean, maybe it�s pathetic, but I love Tuesday nights because of all the TV shows that call the second night of the working week home.
Shows like American Idol. Last night, May Day and I tuned in, wondering what the theme would be this week. TV show theme songs? Folk rock? (Yeah right.) Songs Recorded Earlier So The Producers Could Electronically Manipulate The Dread Carmen�s Tone Quality? We were pleasantly surprised to learn that the contestants would all be singing pieces written by the one and only Billy Joel!
May Day: Eeeeee! I love Billy Joel!Me: I really hope they don�t fuck this up.
May Day: Oh, they will. They. Will.
Me: I wonder which songs they�ll pick!
May Day: I bet Josh Gracin does �Shameless�, since it was already covered by Garth Brooks.
Me: I�ll bet he does �We Didn�t Start the Fire�, because it�s all fast like the real Garth song he did. You know, the one he screwed up.
May Day: No, that song is too anti-establishment. Ooh! He could do �Uptown Girl�!
Me: He could totally do �Uptown Girl�! I love �Uptown Girl�! Now I wish Josh could sing better.
May Day: Which songs do you think Clay and Ruben will pick?
Me: I don�t know, but I�m hoping either Clay or Kimberley Locke pick �And So It Goes�, because that�s my favorite Billy Joel tune ever. They�ve both got the chops to pull it off. Ooh, they could make me cry!
As it turned out, someone did sing my favorite Billy Joel tune, and it did make me cry. Wanna know why? Because it was �sung� by none other than THE DREAD CARMEN RASMUSEN!I couldn�t believe my ears. I mean, I couldn�t believe my ears when Ryan Seacrest announced who would be singing my favorite Billy Joel song. Not the way she tore through it, like Ponce de Leon cutting a brutal swath through the Everglades with a rusty machete. That part came as no surprise. But the fact that of all the Billy Joel songs out there -- and the man has been recording since he was eighteen -- she chose the one song I love above all the others�well, that settles it. It�s more than just a coincidence. It�s voodoo!
Seriously. I mean, this is personal now! It�s quite clear to me, after all that�s gone down over the last couple weeks, that The Dread Carmen Rasmusen is out to get me. I mean, isn�t it obvious? First she throttles �Call Me�, one of my favorite tunes by Blondie, and then she cold-bloodedly assassinates �And So It Goes�, my absolute favorite Billy Joel song!
I mean, you guys see this too, right? I�m not just imagining it. How could I be just imagining something as calculating and maniacal as this? Is she trying to drive me insane by torturing my favorite tunes in front of me, or is it something even more sinister than that? How has she persisted in remaining on that show so long? None of judges like her! At all! I mean, they�ve completely stopped complimenting her in any way during the feedback sessions, save for a few half-hearted comments on how she �looks great� or �was moving around without tripping� or something. WHY IS SHE STILL THERE?
Seriously. The Dread Carmen Rasmusen must be sent packing. Tonight.
