Okay. Okay, I can do this. I�m sitting here, I�ve got my mint mocha latt� (I gave up trying for the vanilla cappuccino when I realized you just can�t fight either City Hall or Zelda�s mental block), and I�m okay now. I can do this.
I can�t do this. I don�t get it! I just! Don�t! Get it! Last night, at around 8:56 PST, white became black, day became night, and truth became lies! lies! LIES! Why the hell didn�t The Dread Carmen Rasmusen get sent home last night? What is going on around here? What is America trying to do to me???
Me: Ha! Look at Carmen! She totally knows she�s going home tonight.Natalie: Was she really that bad yesterday?
Me: No, she was worse than �that bad�. She made �that bad� look like a cakewalk.
Natalie: What did she sing?
Me: �I don�t really want to talk about it. It still hurts.
Natalie: Well, maybe�
Me: Ssh! Seacrest is about to announce it and I want to savor this moment.
**five shocked seconds later**Me: WHAT?
Natalie: Wow! Carmen didn�t get voted off after all.
Me: WHAT THE FUCK???
Natalie: I guess more people liked Carm�
Me: WHAT JUST HAPPENED? Did I LOSE my MIND? Am I TRIPPING?
Natalie: Maybe she�s jus�
Me: WHY IS CARMEN STILL STANDING THERE??
Natalie: She didn�t get vot�
Me: SHE�S SUPPOSED TO BE GONE! WHY ISN�T SHE GOING?
Natalie: I think maybe you should calm dow�
Me: NO! No, no, NO! I can�t accept this! I won�t accept this! They have to change it! I won�t move until they change it!
Natalie: �I don�t think they can hear you.
Me: I�ll make them hear me, those bastards! CHANGE IT!
Natalie: Um, you should probably let go of the TV
Me: [weeping]
No, okay, seriously. How did this happen? I really want to know! Will someone tell me? She�s not getting through due to random chance, people! Someone somewhere is making a conscious decision to keep The Dread Carmen around, in that competition. I mean, we need to be very clear about this. Last night, Kimberly Caldwell -- the cheery blonde with the husky Kathleeen Turner voice -- got ejected. Not The Dread Carmen. I repeat, not The Dread Carmen.And while I fully recognize that Kim C was eventually headed for the exit anyway (I mean, let�s face it -- I liked her spunk, but her songs had more flats than a drag race through a nail factory), she looked like Lily Pons next to The Dread Carmen Rasmusen! And while we�re on the subject, THE DREAD CARMEN DID NOT GET EJECTED LAST NIGHT! I really don�t understand this development. It simply does not compute. It makes as much sense to me as theoretical particle physics. Which is to say, none. It�s seriously going to cause me to lose my mind if I think apples chlorinated Tawny Kitaen sandwich bells!
Oh crap, I�m having a psychotic break. I can�t even think right anymore!
How did this happen? How did we let something like this occur? Nobody likes her, y�all! Not only did the judges have absolutely nothing nice left to say to her, but even the studio audience can�t be taxed to care anymore. Last night, when Ryan Seacrest (who was sporting this curiously caustic �tude that I�m ashamed to admit actually made him seem kinda sexy to me for about two minutes) was declaring the bottom three, the audience gamely booed the announcement of both Kim C and Trenyce, who still needs a last name. But when he got to The Dread Carmen, the audience just kind of went, �Awww�� like they, you know, felt bad for her and all, but�bye, Carmen.
And then? Then? SHE DIDN�T GO. No, I don�t understand it either. Even her family looked unhappy when Kim C got shat out of the series and Carmen received a free pass to mangle another of my favorite songs next week. I don�t know what next week�s theme will be, but I�m sure Carmen will find a way to defile Aimee Mann�s �Save Me�, and I�ll have to kill myself, because I won�t live in a world where that song has been tainted forever.
Please, people! Let�s band together and stop the insanity! Together, we can make a difference!
Okay, that�s cool and all, but�is it just me, or does that chick look like The Mummy?
