Last night, I began to notice that every ten to fifteen minutes, my blood pressure would start doing the mambo in my ears. This one little vein was stretched to the bursting point, and it dawned on me that there was a distinct correlation between my sudden medical problem and the stupid-ass commercials that they persisted in airing during every single station break for the program I was watching. It was a good program, but the commercials were so offensive to my sensibilities that I had to look away, cover my ears, and hum really loudly to drown it out, lest they cause me to experience a fatal embolism, or perhaps go on a homicidal rampage.
The advertisements in question, which cause me such undue aggravation, are for Coppertone sunscreen. If you�ve seen them, you know what I�m talking about. For those of you who are confused, allow me to give you some background. Basically, Coppertone has this new ad campaign that seeks to scare the living shit out of you by implying that if you don�t use Coppertone brand sunscreen all day every day, even indoors, you�re going to get SKIN CANCER. And, obviously, SKIN CANCER is bad.
And don�t think I don�t understand the dangerous truth of SKIN CANCER, because my grandfather had it -- thanks largely to prolonged exposure to the sun -- so I know about the dangers, and the blah blah blah, but. These commercials are ridiculous! There�s this one with a lady talking about how she and sister loved the sun, and tra la la, and weren�t they foolish, and it sounds like a fucking PSA on substance abuse. I mean she talks about the sun in this embarrassed, apologetic tone, like she�s confessing that she used to drop PCP on Sunday mornings before going to church, and she keeps referring to her sister in the past tense in a way that totally makes you feel like the commercial�s going to end with "killed by a drunk driver" or something.
And then she gets all sad, and reveals that her sister succumbed to SKIN CANCER, and she says it like the sun is a terrorist threatening our way of life, and her sister is this innocent victim, taken before her time, and then they show the sister! ALIVE! And let me tell you, for someone who just had to have her entire epidermis replaced with skin grafts from the asshole of a chimpanzee, as the melodramatic lady in the beginning would make it seem, she looks pretty damn good to me. And then Melodramatic Lady starts going on about how she never goes outside anymore unless she�s wearing Coppertone SPF 3 million, or a tent or is closed in a box and being carried by slaves, and it just pisses me off.
There�s another one, too, where it�s a different lady talking about her husband, like he also just got murdered by the sun, leaving his poor wife and family destitute and alone. Like they now have to move into a lean-to in the woods and forage for grubs, and fight off wild animals and cook squirrel over a flaming oil drum, and all because the husband didn�t use Coppertone! And now he�s got the SKIN CANCER, and his kids have the MALNUTRITION, and his wife has the SYPHILIS, because she has to turn tricks so she can afford the BB pellets so her little son can shoot the squirrels they have to cook over the oil drum (by burning deadly plastic containers), and oh, if only they knew the evils of sunshine before it was too late! Don�t let this happen to you, America! If only someone had warned them, if only they might somehow have known! Mr. Green would still be alive, and little Melanie wouldn�t have a goiter, and Bobby Junior could go to school and romp and play with his friends instead of hunting squirrels and trying to sell the teeth that keep falling out of his gingivitis-stricken mouth! Mrs. Green would be a happy homemaker, or at least a high-priced call-girl, rather than a homeless bag lady forced to give handjobs behind the Stop-N-Go so her kids can eat beef jerky and cheez doodles!
Spare me. I�m not trying to downplay the dangers of skin disease, but I hate commercials that treat common sense like a precious commodity possessed by a select few, and which try to use fear as a sales tactic. Enjoy the sun in moderation, and I�m pretty sure you�ll be fine.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: nude kiddie [Uh�] I�m Watching: North Shore, and is this going anywhere? Or does the plot plan to stay in concentric circles indefinitely? And: I Love the 90�s, which is totally awesome.