I read today that Martha Stewart has been sentenced to five months in prison, and then five months of house arrest. Like house arrest for Martha Stewart is a punishment. Seriously, that�s like being sentenced to a vacation at the Four Seasons, or something. Exactly what punitive adversity is she supposed to be facing in this scenario? She�s got everything, including a damn chicken farm, right on her property! I mean, her home has a higher GNP than Guam, for fuck�s sake.
Not that I really care. I mean, I say let the woman roller-blade and bake and inside-trade all she wants, as long as she�s not, like, cutting people�s heads open or something. Frankly, I just find her terribly entertaining, and I think it�ll be a shame to have her locked up in the slammer (or her 4-acre estate, as the case may be), and not appearing regularly on TV where she belongs. Who else will give us helpful tips on keeping our sugar from solidifying? Who else will teach us decoupage cigar boxes as gifts for mom? Who else will intimidate and railroad her special guest when they get a little too confidant with their expertise by offering up a quick tip and then immediately changing the subject like, "You might be from Provence, but I�ll Quiche Lorraine your ass off, you little pissant pastry chef. Don�t you forget whose show this is!"?
But let�s be honest. I mean, you can totally tell, just by the look in her eyes, that she�s slapped a personal assistant or two around with her Nokia, you know? And that�s part of what I find so fucking great about watching her do her thing! She always has to trump her guest, or host, if not by proving her superiority in that one area of special concern than by not letting them forget that the show isn�t called "Emily Brown Living" or "Cooking with Katie Couric" or whatever. You always feel like everyone�s about two baby steps away from getting their head stuffed with figs and baked into a deadly fruit compote if they don�t watch it.
And she�s so esoteric and intentionally impractical (Again, I ask you, who the fuck else has their own damn chicken farm? Who is she really trying to market to with this?) that I really should by all rights be pissed off about it, but I can�t help giggling helplessly when she tries to teach me how to plant potatoes, or brown my meringues under the Salamander (which sounds like either a filthy euphemism or a fun party game). I mean, ordinarily I�m put off by such elitist, pedagogic snobbery, but she does it with this vague hint of malice, an indeterminate and delicious aura of spite, that just makes me crow with laughter. Like she just can�t resist pointing out that she�s got shit you�ve never dreamed of. "I like to use this tool I found when traveling in Tobago, but you can use a slotted spoon. Or whatever you have." Awesome.
I mean, let�s face it. Even if I was at a level of culinary skill that putting together the bulk of recipes wouldn�t be an all-day undertaking, I don�t make near enough bank to afford the ingredients or equipment she espouses. When a recipe calls for a fine red wine, it�ll be lucky if I use a grape juice that�s not from concentrate, you know? The point of Martha Stewart isn�t to be accessible and applicable to the lifestyle of your average Joe, the point is that she�s Martha fucking Stewart, and you�re not. She just oozes with "Kids, don�t try this at home," and she knows it.
Typically I become insensate with rage at programs and people who make it their objective to thrust their superiority and inconvenience in your face, but Martha does it with such a wickedly false warmth that I can�t help but enjoy it.
Frankly, when Martha says, "Bon appetit," I think what she really means is, "Eat it." And it amuses me.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: cousin�s pussy [Don�t know, don�t wanna.] I�m Watching: I Love the 90�s, and remembering all that shit I thought I�d never forget. And Realizing: That between Tickle-Me Elmo, Furbies, Beanie-Babies, and the like, the average 90�s consumer had a serious OCD problem.