So as I sit here, watching my DVD of Run, Lola, Run, I think to myself how lucky I am that today has not repeated itself. Well, yet. Because it�s been a hell of a week, and I don�t think I could handle any portion of it a second time over. Except maybe for the sleeping parts, because those were fine. Short and few, but fine.
This week, there were projects that came to me on memos sent directly from the deepest, darkest pits of Hell, printed on baby skin with ink made from the blood of a virgin; there was Patrice at the office, who seems to have decided that everything I say now warrants an extremely awkward high-five, and there was, of course, the Cute Receptionist. I don�t want to go into a whole lot of details, because I�m more sick of it than any of you are (trust me), but there were issues.
Mentally and emotionally, I know that Cute Receptionist is Bad News. But chemically? Like, how the fuck do you tell your hormones to shut up? Somehow, the second I�m in the room with him, I�m fourteen again; beset by primal urges beyond my ken, and completely unable to rein them in. Fortunately, I also have these archaic Issues about sex that verge on the puritanical, which make me at least a little resistant to the mind-fucking relationships I seem to crave on some deep-seated, self-loathing level.
I mean it�s not that I�m a prude, or anything -- sexual freedom neither shocks nor bothers me in the least. But when it comes to my own sexual relationships, I seem to be one robe away from a Capucine monastery. I guess the fact of the matter is, I need a reason to have sex, as opposed to just an opportunity. Not that I fault the more sexually uninhibited -- because I would love to be able to have all kinds of mad, crazy sex, unfettered by any anachronistic sense of religious guilt or immorality -- and yet, somehow I can�t.
Ordinarily, I would count myself proud of going against the grain and being true to myself in regards to something so mired down in social attitudes as sexual politics�but instead I find myself embarrassed to admit how long I waited to lose my virginity, expressly because of how much sex means to me. I�m not saying anyone who doesn�t agree with me is wrong, or ethically iniquitous, but to me personally, sex is such an intrinsic and important part of serious relationships that it can�t be practiced outside of them, or in isolation of one�s emotions. To put it succinctly, I can�t seem to have sex with someone I don�t feel a deep affection for. That particular standpoint has absolutely crippled my love life (or any reasonable facsimile thereto).
To clarify my point, take a conversation had earlier this afternoon by myself and the Cute Receptionist, in which he said, �Well, it�s only sex; relationships are much more important.� And then sparks shot out of my ears like a Roman Candle, and my head popped off my shoulders and spun around a few times as my brain tried to process the information. Again, I�m seriously not trying to imply that people who feel the same way as CR are morally reprehensible or anything (because I truly don�t believe that), but in my brain, I just can�t get past this ingrained question: what is sex without a relationship?
I can�t separate the two. To me, sex is something you can share with someone you care about to show them how much they mean to you, and the exclusivity of that expression is what makes it so meaningful. I could have sex with anyone, but I choose to have it only with certain people, because rarity makes it more precious. And while it means that I�ve never had sex that didn�t resound with me on an emotional level, it also means that�well, I�m totally, horribly, and irrevocably single, while Cute Receptionist is banging some hot college stud every single night.
Despite my libertarian opinions on human rights, I seem to have the sexual mores of The Flying Nun; and rather than feeling fulfilled, as I was promised I would in Sunday School, in this, my twenty-fifth year, I feel sort of like a chump. Could I have sex with someone like the Cute Receptionist, now that I know his indifference regarding intimacy? To be honest, I don�t know. Given our vastly different philosophies regarding the subject, I just don�t see how we could possibly�er, �connect� in a positive way. I feel defective because I am somehow unable to have sex in a way with which most people my age seem to have no problem.
So basically, to wind things up, I started thinking about all that today, and how my old-fashioned ideologies have kind of guaranteed that I�m going to have a lot of difficulty establishing a meaningful relationship with any of the majority of gay men out there (admittedly a projected statistic, based solely on only the gay men that I have personally known), and I got really depressed. Not because I really need sex, or feel all superior, but because I�d like to meet someone important, eventually, and I�m now terrified that I�m really screwed up and have basically destroyed my own chances by having so many freaking hang-ups.
This entry is already entirely too long, so I�m going to stop now, but here�s hoping I either get over this, or meet someone who feels the same way I do.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: jackie collins nude And: James in boy meets boy has email I�m Watching: Run, Lola, Run. This movie is so fucking sweet. I�m Eating: Ghirardelli chocolate. There is nothing finer.