I was on the receiving end of absolutely the worst pick-up line EVER in the history of mankind this past weekend, and I was so ooked out I felt like I had to share it with the world. Picture it: you�re at a bar, minding your own business, standing with your friends and possibly enjoying a martini (unless you don�t drink�I mean, I�m not trying to pressure you into it, or anything), and some guy comes up to you. And he thinks he�s being all suave, and he gives you the Sex Eyes, and he goes, �You look just like my brother.�

WRONG! Wrong and alone. The advanced level of wrongitude in that is so pronounced that it cannot be quantified by modern mathematics. Was that supposed to turn me on? What was the desired response to that? �Really? Wow, well, there�s nothing I like better than to play into some stranger�s creepy incest fantasies, so let�s flirt for a while, get drunk, and have lots of sex while you pretend we�re related!� Methinks not. That ain�t right, y�all.

For those of you who are possessed of any lingering doubts, I did not respond as positively to this advance as I think he�d hoped. I thanked him for his rather ooky compliments, and then removed myself posthaste. It did give me cause to consider, however, the art of the pick-up line. I mean, it really is a delicate affair, you know? You don�t want to be too forward (or too fucking weird), because then you�ll look like a big sex maniac. Unless you are, in fact, a sex maniac, in which case...good luck with that. In any event, you don�t want your line to be too obvious, too bizarre, too obscure, or too cheeseball, because all of those will end in reverse progress.

Forthwith, please find a list of some actual pick-up lines that have been tried on me:

�Hey, I have that shirt!�
I actually didn�t mind this one. It invited conversation in a way that allows you to either engage in conversation or politely blow the person off without anyone losing face. The fact that this comment was then followed up with a lot of pawing and unrequested fondling of my own personal person, however, ushered back in all the awkwardness originally avoided in the pick-up line itself.

�Are you an actor/model? You should be.�
I�m not testifying to the validity of this statement, I�m just saying it was used on me. I told the guy I was a scientist, which seems to be my fallback profession when weirdos inquire about my career. This gambit is flattering, if tired and obvious (although, in Los Angeles, it�s a very valid question). Far less offensive if it�s genuine, but tired nevertheless. Plus the guy in question was kind of old and creepy, so...denied.

�Hey, you�re cute!�
�Hey, um...thanks.� This is direct, and leaves no mistake as to the ultimate intentions of the speaker, but it lacks nuance and cleverness. I mean, it�s also flattering, and if the other party feels the same way about you, then great. But this doesn�t prompt any conversation, it just sort of...is. It�s the black pants of pick-up lines: a good start, but dress it up a little.

�Are you here with anyone?�
Another direct, if simple, approach. The good thing about this one is that it gives you the option of lying that yes, you are. Unless you�re afraid of lying, worried that the other party will cotton onto the fact, which will lead to an awkward moment later on when they get drunk and confront you about it, all, �You are so NOT with anyone, you liar!� This didn�t happen to me. I told the truth, and so he jammed his tongue so far into my mouth I was afraid he was trying to check me for strep throat. Then he told me he thought I should come home with him, which, thanks, but we just met, and I�m not looking to get axe-murdered tonight.

[squeeze]
Just a general word to the wise? Unauthorized touching, petting, groping, or other such molestation works great. IN PRISON. On the outside, however, please keep your hands to yourself. I am not turned on by being violated, unless it�s by someone who already has my express permission to touch me any old way he wants, Adam Brody.

Anyway, there are a few more I could mention, but this seems enough for now. I don�t know that there�s any �ideal� pick-up line, though all the above have their merits (well, except for the last one). I think it�s important, however, to pay attention to what�s coming out of your mouth, and to make an honest assessment of your flirtation tactics. See you at the bar!

Someone Got Here By Searching For: �data entry china� I�m Watching: 24. Shut UP, Secretary of Defense James Heller! And: The Bachelorette. S�long, Frenchy!

my last adventure: The Birds and the Beas
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my next adventure: Drunk and Jobless