Mom: Hello.Me: Hey, Mom, it�s me!
Mom: Oh, hi honey! I was just thinking about you.
Me: You were?
Mom: Well...no.
Me: I don�t know why I ever call you, old woman. When I stick you in the nursing home, I�m going to �forget� the address.
Mom: You know, you�re not too old for me to poison your dinner.
Me: You�re not...that doesn�t make any sense.
Mom: Cut me a break, I�m really stressed out.
Me: Not more animal trouble, I hope?
Mom: Not since I got rid of that damn dog. That�ll teach him to shit in my car.
Me: If only I had a nickel for every time I heard you say that.
Mom: Anyway, no, my stress isn�t about animals, it�s about kids.
Me: Which begs the question, what the hell are you talking about?
Mom: Okay, well, you remember my friend? The one with cancer?
Me: Yes.
Mom: Well, she kind of asked me to take care of her kids when she dies.
Me: Oh, wow. And you said?
Mom: Well, I said no. I mean, I�m honored, but I�m old, you know? Her son is six, and I�m just way too old for that shit now.
Me: It�s still flattering that she�d as�
Mom: No. No, no. It doesn�t stop there. She kept bugging me about until I finally told her I�d �think about it�, you know, just to make her feel a little better.
Me: Oh no.
Mom: Then yesterday she told the nurse that her really good friend is �definitely� going to take care of the children when she dies! She thinks I�m going to take care of her three kids! I couldn�t even stop my dog from shitting in my car, and she wants me to take her kids.
Me: Well, maybe she didn�t mean you, necessarily, when she said her �really good friend.�
Mom: I thought of that, so I asked the nurse what she said, specifically, and the nurse told me she couldn�t remember what the name of the friend was, but that it wasn�t my name.
Me: Well, see, there you go�
Mom: But she thinks my name is �Bea�! She doesn�t know what my real name is!
Me: ...
Mom: And she�s delirious with drugs, so there�s no telling�stop laughing!
Me: Mom, how does it happen that some woman who doesn�t even know your name wants to leave you custody of her children?
Mom: I don�t know, but now I have to go to the hospital and tell a dying woman that she needs to find somebody else to take care of her kids, like, �sorry about the misunderstanding!�
Me: You do see how this is totally not a normal problem, right? You get that this doesn�t happen to normal people?
Mom: I don�t care about normal people. Right now, I�m trying to think of the best way to say, �I brought you a copy of the paper, and, by the way, find someone else to watch over your children.�
Me: May I recommend not that way?
Mom: She really needs to find someone younger. Someone who doesn�t have to go the doctor for a tune-up every three-thousand miles. I�ve got more crap going wrong with me than an episode of Gilligan�s Island, I can�t take three little kids!
Me: You don�t have to convince me.
Mom: What is that supposed to mean? Are you casting aspersions on my maternal abilities? Because I�ll smack you.
Me: All I�m saying is�OH MY GOSH!
Mom: What? What is it?
Me: Get away! Mom, a huge, scary, gimpy pigeon just landed on the table, like, six inches from me! It wants to eat my food!
Mom: Where are you?
Me: I�m at the coffee shop�GET AWAY! Mom, it won�t get away!
Mom: ...I think you need to calm�
Me: Mom, it�s coming closer! It�s huge, and it�s got a gimpy foot, and its eyes burn like coals from hell! GET AWAY FROM MY FOOD!
Mom: Honey? It�s a bird.
Me: It�s not �a bird�! It�s, like, Rodan!
Mom: Just...shoo it away! Wave at it.
Me: I tried that already, and it looked at my hand like it was an appetizer.
Mom: Well, what exactly do you want me to do about it?
Me: Call someone! Animal Control, or Batman or something!
Mom: I think you�ll be fine.
Me: Easy for you to say. Bea.
Mom: Shut up.