I have a fair amount to talk about this week, y�all. I�m still unemployed, and I�m spending my afternoon watching Old People television, so you know that I�m desperate for the company if nothing else. I believe I am possibly only one more week of joblessness away from Matlock reruns, weak tea, and prowling the streets for unsuspecting neighbors to badger with my dour and absolutist opinions on kids these days and the reliability of the postal service. I also might start to eat my weight in coffee cake, but that has nothing to do with my deteriorating sanity.
If I were to start offering my unsolicited judgments to the neighbors, I believe I would start with telling the girl next door to just break up with her damn boyfriend already. This screaming-and-crying-over-the-phone shtick is beginning get really tired, I�m telling you. The other day? He �hurt her feelings� twice before one p.m.! This may not seem such a grave offense to some, but given the way she sobbed and hollered it at the top of her lungs over and over again FOR FORTY-FIVE MINUTES the other day, I gather it�s a big deal for her. Also, he remains a �fucking liar� who �ruined everything�, and, you might be interested to know, that �it�s all fucked up now�. At first it was all quite amusing, as other people�s pain is wont to be, but now I�d really like to read in peace, you know?
Changing the subject: yesterday I think I saw my favorite Yahoo news link ever. It said �Turkey races to contain bird flu outbreak�. Now I know that bird flu = not funny, but �turkey races� are hysterical. Especially as fundraisers. Honestly, I don�t think I�ll ever be tired of jokes about Turkey and turkeys. That�s all I have to say on this subject.
There are more pressing things afoot, anyway. You see, this weekend? I shall be going home with Ulrich for to meet his mother. Now, a part of me is really looking forward to this. It�s a big deal, meeting your boyfriend�s parent(s), and I�m comfortable enough with myself and our relationship to feel that I�m up to the challenge. Besides which, from everything I know about her, she�s laid-back and easy to get along with�and she already likes me too, sending me gifts and things, and we�ve even emailed a little bit�so I think there won�t be any friction or issues of that nature.
But.
THIS IS A BIG DEAL, YOU GUYS! You know me! I�m not �cool� or �suave� or �able to handle my nerves in a composed or quiet manner�! What if I open the festivities by breaking something priceless/inherited, follow it up by accidentally setting the house cat free, and bring it all home with a Freudian slip and fall that makes me look like a pervert, a drunkard, or an asshole? OR A PERVERTED, DRUNKEN ASSHOLE! When Ulrich�s friend Annie came to town a few months back, I was similarly nervous and, without thinking, made a practically reflexive joke about the birthing process that I really don�t think she appreciated. I don�t think she hated me for it, or anything, but she really, really got the wrong impression of who I am. I love babies, y�all. I think giving birth is beautiful and moving and shall I compare it to a summer�s day, and all that, and now she thinks I�m a tasteless douche.
I don�t want Ulrich�s mom to think ill of me. ESPECIALLY not since she has apparently already indicated that she expects we�ll be sharing our sleeping quarters while under her roof. I mean, I�m walking in the front door as The Whore Who�s Defiling Her Only Child! Whatever scraps of respectability I can weave into an all-protective garment I must cling to! �Oh my, but this chastity belt does chafe one!� �Thank you, but I won�t be imbibing this weekend�I guess it�s true what they say: you can take the boy of the monastery, but not the monastery out of the boy!� �I�m reading the complete works of Proust, but only while I wait for the Peace Corps to call and tell me which lepers I am to minister to, as I complete my doctorate in microbiologechanics and perfect this vaccine for cancer!�
I can only hope she thinks spazzes are cute.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: The Bermuda Triangle nots I�m Watching: Passions, and somewhat hopeful about the indicated reveal-a-thon and relationship shake-ups they�ve got coming. I�m Reading: Proust, but only while I wait for the Peace Corps to call and tell me which lepers I am to minister to, as I complete my doctorate in microbiologechanics and perfect this vaccine for cancer.