I turned 26 yesterday, and I�m not sure how I�m supposed to feel. Besides, you know, hung over. Except that I�m not, really, which is just fine with me. It was an interesting weekend, fraught with sushi and martinis (numbers one and two, respectively, on the list of my favorite food groups), and even some violation in the form of an older gentleman who first tried to grope Jessica before flashing us his naughty bits and then hiking my legs up to shoulders in an attempt to gain some familiarity with my backside. Happy Birthday to me!
But seriously, it was fun. Violation and all. I mean, if you can�t be a little violated on your birthday, then�I don�t know. That sentence doesn�t really have any kind of appropriate resolution, does it? Besides, the gentleman in question also offered some sage advice ("You�re cute, and don�t take anyone�s bullshit! Am I too old for you?") so it was kind of an even trade: my personal space in exchange for a platitude. The older gentlemen were actually quite fond of me that evening, and a man some twenty years my senior asked for my phone number. Actually, his friend asked for my phone number because he was too shy, which was kind of sweet.
In any case, I have now surpassed a quarter of a century in age. I feel that I can look back over that expanse of time and glean some messages about life and the living of it, which I can then apply to my future and share with you all here. For instance, I have recently been told not to take anyone�s bullshit. And that I am "cute". Two incontrovertible facts! Apply those in your life wherever they seem the most useful.
I have also learned:
1. All squirrels have rabies. If a squirrel runs away from you, it�s okay, but if it doesn�t, that means it�s going to bite you, you will get rabies, and you will die. (I learned this in daycare. Coincidentally, I also developed a serious phobia of furry woodland creatures in daycare, too.)
2. That pot on the stove? Not cookie dough. It�s actually boiling wax. (Also compliments of my daycare. Coincidentally, I also learned how to treat third-degree burns.)
3. Lawn fertilizer is not a tasty snack, despite what that neighbor girl says.
4. Ditto for Ovaltine.
5. The reason we wear shoes when playing football is precisely so things like this don�t happen. ("This" being my broken foot.)
6. We also don�t walk through construction zones so things like that don�t happen. ("That" being my friend�s boot becoming irretrievably lost in a sucking vortex of mud. Better her than me!)
7. Tapered jeans are not "cool".
8. Hanging out with the weird kids is bad for your upward mobility.
9. Weird kids are the most fun.
10. If you leave a pumpkin in the trunk of your car for three months, no air freshener in the world can save you. (This bit of information compliments of The Jones.)
11. Don�t make direct eye contact until the other party has undergone a full psych eval, and you�ve seen the results with your own two eyes.
12. The service industry was designed by megalomaniacs who needed a globally sanctioned environment in which to denigrate their fellow man.
13. Relatedly, certain words and phrases, such as "rare", "medium", and "well-done", are apparently completely interchangeable and mutable in definition and application. Likewise, the continuum of time and space is prone to lapsing back on itself in such a way that a request or utterance made by a customer in the past will have become erased or entirely altered by the time you are taking care of it, thusly giving said customer full right to publicly declaim you and have you fired.
14. I hate the service industry.
15. I hate people.
16. Well, not all people. Just the stupid ones.
There are many more lessons I have learned, but I simply don�t have the time or the space to print them all here (maybe I should go into the service industry, where time and space are a lot more flexible?), but suffice it to say, I have certainly learned a lot. Hopefully, these will serve me well in the year(s) to come.
Class dismissed.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: "in which our hero" phraseology And: Irene Stapler I�m Finished With: Barrel Fever, and it was hilarious. I�m Reading: Sacred Clowns by Tony Hillerman, because�well, just because.