Disclaimer -- If you are faint of heart, weak of stomach, or easily offended, I suggest in all kindness and sincerity that you skip this entry and come back tomorrow.
Kelly: What are those kids poking at? Is that some kind of creature?Me: I can�t tell�it could be a Horseshoe Crab or, um�or�
May Day: HEY! WHAT IS THAT THING?
Teenage Girl: I think it�s a FUCKING LEG!
* * *Me: So, we had lunch at this seafood place, and then we went to the beach, and you�ll never believe what we saw!
KillerWorkout: What?
Me: A leg!
KillerWorkout: A what?
Me: A leg! You know, on the beach.
KillerWorkout: �what?
Me: Well, I mean, not the whole leg�just the part from the hip to the knee.
KillerWorkout: WHAT?
Me: It was really grody, too. All old and leathery and tendony and bone-protusiony�
KillerWorkout: Okay, wait, wait�what?
Me: Yeah, and these two teenagers were poking it with a stick. Oh, hey, does your memory work again?
KillerWorkout: Unfortunately.
* * *Natalie: You mean, like, a human leg?
Me: Oh yeah. I mean, Kelly kept trying to convince us it was a whale part, but whales don�t have, you know�femurs.
Natalie: Did it smell bad?
Me: Um, yeah. It smelled like a rotting leg.
* * *Lauren: Yeah, Jessica and I read May Day�s journal and we couldn�t believe it!
Me: It was pretty unbelievable.
Lauren: I think I would�ve thrown up.
Me: I think if it had been more recognizable as a human leg, I probably would�ve tossed my cookies, too.
Lauren: What did it look like?
Me: All old and leathery. Kind of like a Horseshoe Crab. Or George Hamilton.
Lauren: Someone should check his legs.
* * *Mark: Maybe it was a shark attack.
Me: Maybe.
Mark: Did you tell anyone about it?
Me: Oh sure -- I called my brother right away, and then I told my friend Natalie, and�
Mark: I meant like the authorities.
Me: Oh. Yeah, those teenagers called the cops.
Mark: Did they show up?
Me: Fuck if I know. I mean, I don�t want to sound like a snob or anything, but I don�t hang out at beaches where they find body parts.
* * *Mom: Where was the rest of him?
Me: I don�t know.
Mom: Did he get eaten by a shark?
Me: I don�t know.
Mom: Have they found any other parts?
Me: I don�t know!
Mom: What do you know?
Me: Well�legs sure are gross when they�re not attached to someone.
Mom: Thank you.
* * *China: Did you have nightmares?
Me: Um, no, not really.
China: I would�ve had nightmares.
Tony: I can�t believe you went down to look closer.
Me: That was my roommate�s idea.
China: I can�t believe you didn�t have nightmares.
Me: Well, it helped that it was so weathered it didn�t look exactly real. I mean, if it had been a fresh leg, I wouldn�t be here right now; I�d be in a straight-jacket, eating strained peas off a foot-long spoon being held by a big, burly male nurse with a syringe full of Halidol.
China: I think I�m going to have nightmares.
* * *Linda: Hee hee! Oh no. I just laughed! I think I�m going to Hell.
Me: But, see, that�s just it! It�s so absurd and grotesque, you just have to laugh!
Linda: Or else you�re going to cry and vomit.
Me: Precisely. And I mean, really, it isn�t funny at all. This was a person�s leg, you know? Someone who died horribly, one way or another. And if you think about it, it�s like that wasn�t bad enough that now, for a final indignity, some teenage girl is going to poke at your remains with a stick and invite other people over for a second opinion.
Linda: Well, I�m thinking that by the time your withered leg-piece is discovered, you�re well above being offended by stuff like that.
Me: Like, �Hey! That�s my damn leg! I�m going to haunt you for that!�
Linda: Hee! Oh, shit.
* * *Me: So what did you do for the Fourth, Patrice?
Patrice: Oh, you know, nothing big. Went to a pool party, and that�s about it. You?
Me: We went to the beach, and then we had a barbecue and watched fireworks, and then the next day we ate lunch with a bunch of bikers and found a disembodied human leg on the beach.
Patrice: Oh, that�s nice.
* * *Me: Leg-scuse me, Linda, but I kneed your help with something.
Linda: Hee! Stop it!
Me: Why? Whose thigh-ed are you on, anyway?
Linda: Hee hee! Stop, damn you!
Me: Heh.
Linda: I don�t leg you anymore.
* * *T-Boz: Puppy, I don�t want you living out there! You shouldn�t be living in places where they find legs on the beach!
Me: But this was practically in Malibu!
T-Boz: Ohmygaw, was it a famous leg??
Me: Wh�how the hell should I know?
T-Boz: Did it look familiar? Or �femur�-liar? Hee hee! I made a joke about fermlers! Femulures. Farmimimum-mulam�s.
Me: �are you drunk?
T-Boz: Wooooo!
* * *KillerWorkout: I still can�t believe you found a leg on the beach.
Me: Well, technically speaking, we didn�t find it, those teenagers did. We just looked at it.
KillerWorkout: Whatever. Was it totally gross?
Me: It was a severed leg, what do you think? It was all flat and blackened and rotty and nasty, and there was hair all stuck to it!
KillerWorkout: �sounds lovely.
Me: Please -- the fish I had for lunch was grosser than the leg.
* * *Me: Wait, did I already tell you about the leg?
Lauren: Yes.
Me: What did we say?
Lauren: Me and Jessica had read May Day�s journal, so you just added some stuff about George Hamilton.
Me: Oh. Did I mention how it was all decayed and bone-protrusiony?
Lauren: Yes.
Me: Oh. Did I tell you about how this woman I work with likes to chew her hair?
Lauren: Oh, gross, now I�m going to be sick!
* * *
I�d just like to add here that although I�ve made light of the situation, I don�t honestly think finding human remains is funny. As I mentioned to Linda, this is ultimately about a very real tragedy. And whether this person died by misadventure or, heaven forbid, at the hand of another human being, there is nothing comedic about death -- in this particular instance, or any other. However, as I also mentioned to Linda, I need to process this with as much humor as I can, or I really will end up with nightmares.
