� Memoirs of an Evil Genius �
Conquering the World, One Martini at a Time

� The Heat Is On �
11:32 a.m., 2004-05-03

Well, I�m back! Briefly. The doctors at the asylum say it�s probably good for me to get out for an hour or so every day and learn how to interact with the world in a way that doesn�t make me want to kill everyone with piano wire. But what the hell do those "doctors" know, anyway? Who do they think they are? They piss me off so bad. I�d really like to teach them a lesson! But they won�t let me get close to the piano. Sigh.

The heat is starting to get to me, you guys. At least, when I�m not at work, the heat is starting to get me. At work, the cold is getting to me. There�s really just no happy medium right now. I wear short sleeves for the walk to work, and then I put on my sweater and wool pea coat once I get here. And then I hunch over at my desk, light a fire in my trash can, and stir my coffee with an icicle. It�s very homey. If, you know, you live in an igloo. In the Sahara. My inner barometer feels like it�s got a split personality. Dr. Thomas says that it�s perfectly natural to feel that way, but he still won�t let me get near the piano.

The up side to this disparity in temperatures is that after I freeze my ass off inside, I can run outside for a minute or two to thaw out. I�m a little worried that it�s going to cause my bones to crack, or something, like how ice cracks when you pour hot water over it, but so far I�ve been okay. Also, after I walk to work and I�m all overheated and about to collapse, I come inside and let the cold wash over me, and it�s quite refreshing. So I guess there really is a silver lining, however tarnished it might be.

Where does that saying come from, "every cloud has a silver lining"? What does it mean? Wouldn�t it make more sense to say something like, "every cloud has the potential to cause rain, or to just be really pretty"? Or maybe, "every pewter vanity set has a silver lining"? Although that last one might not be strictly true. Either way, I believe I have yet to see a single cloud with an actual lining of silver, and I think it�s very misleading.

Of course it�s been so hot that I�m on the verge of hallucinating silver linings on just about everything, so if you give me a couple days, I�ll possibly retract that statement. Seriously, though, I really don�t handle the heat very well. It�s giving me nightmares, among other symptoms. Like last night I had this dream that I was staying in a hotel, and someone got murdered in my room. Like, while I was sleeping there! It was actually very disconcerting, and not just because I have an aversion to finding bloody corpses first thing in the morning, but also because if I�d woken up in my dream, I could�ve been next! So it was disturbing.

I also got a sunburn from the heat, like nightmares about death and shit aren�t enough. And I didn�t even get a good, sexy sunburn. I got this weird triangle on my chest where the neck of shirt was open, and some spots on my face. Can�t I ever just tan, or maybe at least burn evenly? I suppose it�s my own damn fault for not taking more care to prevent the burning all together. I hate it when it�s my own damn fault.

Anyway, Dr. Thomas says I need to go back to the hospital now. It�s time for my shock treatment therapy. That sounds really bad, but mostly they just read me news snippets from the Netscape homepage and try to surprise me. I don�t think it�s working, but I�m not going to tell him that.

Someone Got Here By Searching For: preparing lambs for food I�m Watching: The Manchurian Candidate. I�m very interested to see how this will translate into the remake. I�m Reading: Well, I just finished The Windsor Knot, but I haven�t made up my mind yet about what�s next.

A Year Ago, I Said:

And the second they announced Ruben�s name, the audience reacted like a crowd of medieval serfs during an unexpected eclipse. I mean, you�d have seriously thought the world was ending.
What the Hell is Wrong With You People? (Part 2)
5-1-2003

� 2005 by Dr. No, all rights reserved; you break it, you buy it.



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