Okay, it just needs to be asked: does Catwoman look like it�s going to be the worst piece of shit movie ever made, or what? Seriously. If the chief marketing stratagem behind your film is "come look at Halle Berry in a skintight leather catsuit", your movie has a big problem. Not that I�m saying Hally Berry in a skintight leather catsuit is without appeal, but if that�s the only reason you can come up with for why people should rush to their local cinema and dole out ten bucks a pop, your movie is in trouble. Just saying.
I suppose I shouldn't knock it too much. I mean, that advertising campaign is definitely going to pull in a certain demographic. Personally, I like to refer to that demographic as Horny Teenage Boys Who Can�t Legally Purchase Actual Pornography Yet. But even that group must be catered to, I suppose. In the 80�s they had a whole subgenre all their own, what with the rampant infestation of tawdry Porky�s sequels and knock-offs. But still, I�m kind of begging you guys not to go see it anyway, because giving them money sort of encourages them to keep it up.
Although this brings up an interesting theory about the psychotropic quality of the Oscar. I mean, how many award-winning actors and actresses have we seen over the years who have made abysmal follow-up choices after receiving one of the coveted statuettes, with the only possible explanation being that they were under the effects of a powerful hallucinogen when they chose the project? That might also explain some of the more questionable "fashion" choices of our brightest up-and-comers. Like Angelina Jolie, just for example. I mean, come on. She looked like the moldering corpse of Mona Lisa at the Oscars that year. The Oscars, people!
But seriously, does anybody think Gwyneth Paltrow was in her right mind when she agreed to do Bounce? And what the hell is Holly Hunter doing in Little Black Book? Leave us not even consider Cuba Gooding, Jr.�s involvement in Boat Trip, Snow Dogs, Pearl Harbor, and Chill Factor, for that way madness lies. But I think I'd still rather sit through two consecutive showings of Snow Dogs before I'd watch Catwoman, quite frankly.
Doesn�t it just seem like the movie version of cotton candy? It looks all glossy and pretty, and then you start eating it and it�s really kind of tasteless and unsatisfying, and leaves a disgusting grit of sticky sugar coagulating on your teeth. And the promos are doing that movie absolutely no favors. I don�t know about you all, but that part where Halle Berry uses her whip to disarm Sharon Stone (or so the commercials would make it appear, but those are typically edited in such a dishonest way that it�s impossible to tell if the clips are from the same scene, let alone the same movie, and it�s a wonder they don�t just reject each other like bad organ transplant), and then she gets all up in the camera and sneers, "My bad," it actually makes me cringe with embarrassment and hide my face. I mean, at that point, it's really hurting both of us, you know? Ditto that part where she�s all, "Do you like�bad girls?" to Benjamin Bratt in this totally obvious way that just drips with �I got brought back to life by cats, and now I�m Confidant and Sexy in an extremely unsubtle way�. Why doesn�t they just stick a big fat sign on her that says "NOW WITH MORE SEX APPEAL!!!"?
Granted I have very little vested interest in seeing Halle Berry in a skintight leather catsuit, by virtue of the fact that she kind of has a vagina and all, but I think my arguments are still pretty valid. And I have nothing against vaginas, of course, but it�s kind of like trying to entice an orthodox Jew to a barbecue by advertising pork chops.
Anyway, I�d just like to close this little essay with one more plea for you to not go see it. Let�s all use our collective sway as a public to influence Halle Berry to choose more nuanced projects like Monster�s Ball, and to avoid Catwoman 2 like a bad case of heartworm.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: shit piss movies I�m Watching: An episode of CSI I�ve never seen before. Bye, George Eads. It was nice sexing you up with my eyes while you lasted. I�m Reading: Still working on Kavalier and Clay.
