Dear Susie,
Hey, how�s it going? Remember me? It�s Dr. No! From Arts-Friendly! Remember? Dr. No? Anyway, I�m still here, and I was just thinking about you and wondering what you were up to! Last I heard, you were working at some hospital or something. That must be pretty cool. Do you like it there? I�m just asking out of idle curiosity and nothing at all more than that, I swear.
Hey, I just had a crazy thought -- how would you like your old job back?? Seriously, think about it! It�s still here, and it�s bigger and better than ever! Well, bigger, anyway. No, but really, do you want your job back? I won�t fight if you do. Hell, I�ll give it to you, and you don�t even have to say please! I mean, solely on account of I�m a nice guy, and I know what it�s like to have second thoughts about giving stuff up, even if it�s, like, over a year later. Because those doubts can really eat away at you. Doesn�t it totally just eat away at you? Gnawing at your insides and tearing you apart? Don�t you just sometimes wake up in a cold sweat thinking about it, like some kind of Edgar Allen Poe story?
Gee, I�d hate to be you, with that eating away at me every day. But it�s because I�m worried about you that I�m making this offer now! You know, you�ll hardly be able to recognize your old office. Remember that ratty old carpet? You can�t even see it anymore, what with all the boxes and stacks of paper! And speaking of stacks of paper, remember the six towers of loose filing you left for me to take care of on your last day? Well they�re all gone now! I�ve really been on top of the old filing, Susie. I mean, just think how easy it�ll be for you to ease back into the groove!
Now you might notice the fact that there are a few less employees around than when you were here before, but think of how much more peaceful it would be with less people to bug you! So many less people running around and working and doing stuff! Didn�t you always used to think, "Why are they here, when the company could save so much money by getting rid of them all, parceling their responsibilities out amongst me, myself, and I, and not paying me any more to do their work on top of my own? How foolish!" Well, Susie, have I got news for you. Your wish came true! Doesn�t that thrill you to the bone?? Aren�t you excited?
Yes, it�s truly an exciting time to be at Arts-Friendly. I know you might harbor some reservations about going back to your old job, worrying that you might be bored returning to a situation you know so well, but with Corinne gone, a whole new world of challenges awaits! Just think: with no one else around to answer questions, you�ll be the go-to girl for everyone across the board! Despite the fact that you know fuck-all about what Corinne really used to do around here, you will now be asked all of the questions that used to go to her, and you�ll be compelled to come up with answers on the spot! Second only to Sophie, you�ll know the most about all day-to-day operations, making you responsible more and more for making sure that everything runs smoothly, since Sophie�s never around to answer questions anyway. Doesn�t that give you a sense of accomplishment? Doesn�t that give you the dry heaves, like it does me?
Er, wait -- forget I said �dry heaves�! I meant�dried �leaves�! Like in a book. Like pressed between the pages of your diary, like precious, precious memories. Memories of working at Arts-Friendly. Those memories are waiting for you, Susie. Come back to them. Come back�to me.
Please. Seriously, I�m begging now.
Sincerely,
Dr. No
Someone Got Here By Searching For: Invisible concealer [And how would you find that?] I�m Watching: Family Guy, which is absolutely priceless. FOX is brilliant for commissioning six new episodes. And: I, Robot. After watching a �making of� presentation, where it was explained to us that numerous scenes were shot with just Will Smith in front of a green screen, with the rest of the picture being inserted digitally in post-production, Nat turned to me and remarked, "I bet that�s what J.Lo feels like when she gets her photos back from being air-brushed."