Have I mentioned in the past that Sophie has an endearing habit of providing treats for the office on Fridays? Well, she does. On the last day of the work week, when no one but the admin staff have to come in, Sophie likes to give us all a tasty token of her appreciation for the work we�ve done and continue to do for her. It almost makes the shitty pay worth it, especially on the weeks when her treat is, like, truffles or something.
Today�s treat, which is what I�m getting at here, is donut holes. (Is it �donut� or �doughnut�? Both are accepted by spellchecker. Maybe it�s �donut� in the case where at least 30% of the ingredients are synthesized, and therefore the product cannot truthfully be classified as having originated as actual �dough�, and �doughnut� where it�s from a real bakery that uses real flour, sugar, butter, etc. That would make these �donut� holes, for sure.) She has provided for us two choices: glazed, and chocolate frosted.
Now, as I know I�ve detailed for you before, in countless places, I have a specific weakness for all things chocolate. Chocolate cake, chocolate cookies, chocolate ice cream�you name it, if it draws its power from the heavenly cacao plant, I�m done for. This is why I take it as a personal affront on those occasions when I find that the awesome and unadorned beauty of the nature�s finest creation has been misappropriated, or worse, perverted into something cheap and unnatural.
To clear up any confusion, I am indeed referring to those abhorrent "donut" holes! They are an abomination! They take the sweet name of chocolate and turn it into something hideous, twist its pure essence into something ugly and altogether unrecognizable. Where, oh WHERE is the chocolate of my youth? The chocolate of my Milky Way�? The chocolate of my chips? It is not here in the waxy brown shell that encases this spongiform turd of Devil�s Food from Entenmann�s, I can tell you.
And truly, this is The Devil�s food. I mean, what is this shit? Really! It sure as hell doesn�t taste or behave like any chocolate I�ve ever known! Is water supposed to bead up like that when it touches chocolate? Am I supposed to get that greasy film in my mouth when I eat the delicious loveliness of a Symphony� bar from Hershey�s�, or a Nestl�s� Crunch�? And do I have to keep making these obnoxious � and � symbols every time I mention a brand name? And which goes where, I�d like to know? I�m very inquisitive this afternoon.
I�m also very disgusted. Why can�t "donut" places ever get the formula for chocolate correct?? Like Dunkin� Donuts! �! I�m sorry, but what is that viscous brown fluid they squirt all over their donuts? That shit ain�t chocolate, either. It�s like a sugary oil slick that decompounds at room temperature and leaks artificial "chocolate" "flavoring" all over the box or bag or whatever the hell else they put it in so you could carry it home. And these "chocolate" covered cake donuts are no better, with their ooky solid coating made of equal parts plastic and soy lecithin, that tastes about as chocolatey as an owl pellet. My ass is more chocolatey than that bullshit. I�d rather eat my own ass!
Well, maybe not. I don�t think I�d care to be held to that statement in the afterlife, if it really does happen to reflect Dante�s vision. But what in the hell is a "Popem", anyway? It sounds like a souvenir Pez�-type candy dispenser you�d get at the Vatican gift shop. (Or, more likely, the �Vatican Gift Shoppe�.)
But maybe I�m being unfair. Maybe my purist tendencies are too strict. All I know is, when you mess with my chocolate? You mess with me.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: janet evanovich + hard eight + gagged I�m Watching: Scrubs, and liking Zack Braff�s new haircut. I�m Eating: The glazed Popems. Sigh.