So, despite some initially very promising portents upon my immediate return from overseas (for example? Anna is leaving the company! I know! I couldn�t believe it either!), I am beginning to feel like coming back was really the wrong decision to make. Not that I had a whole lot of other options, I guess, but the way my job has greeted me back with a giant bear hug -- by which I mean it�s currently squeezing the life out of me like a really pissed-off Mama Grizzly might if she caught you poking one of her cubs in the eye with a flaming sparkler -- I am prompted to reconsider the prudence of my return.
Although let�s just celebrate together one more time about the fact that ANNA IS LEAVING! Hooray! The only thing wrong with that situation is that she�s not getting fired. I know I shouldn�t say stuff like that, because karma�s a really harsh mistress, but whatever. Before I get to the continued escapades of my journey to Europe (and parts in between), can I just tell you about her latest stunt? We were supposed to have a meeting with one of her clients next week, and she sends this random email this afternoon to ask if we can move it to "today or tomorrow -- but tomorrow would be better!" Oh. Okay. So I go through all this rigmarole and send a message back to Anna, saying, "Sure, tomorrow is groovy�the usual time?" She responds, "Yup! I�ll let the client know!"
Two hours later, I get an email from the client saying, "So for the meeting tonight, call me on my cell phone." ??? Seriously! Does Anna have Mad Cow Disease? Is that why her brain doesn�t work like normal brains? I�ve read and re-read all the messages, and I don�t see any evidence of a Matrix-style reality adjustment, where the content of our previous conversations was altered to indicate that today was the settled-upon date for the rescheduled meeting. Anyway, I am now just counting the days until she�s out of my hair.
That being said, I would like to continue with my progress to Europe, from where I left off when last we spoke�
Saturday, May 29th
12:00am (EST)
What is this bizarre and uncomfortable sensation I�m experiencing? Oh, I�m awake. Shit.
12:15am
And I can�t seem to get back to sleep. Shit!
12:18am
And I just made eye contact again! Damn it all.
1:00am
Well, if I�m not going to back to sleep, I suppose I should just try to read my book�
1:13am
I don�t want to read my book. Maybe I�ll�create anagrams out of my name!
1:16am
I think I�ll read my book instead.
6:30am (London Time)
I don�t mean to nitpick, but according to what�s printed on my ticket, we�re supposed to be landing at Heathrow in about an hour. And just judging by the handy little graphics display on the monitor mounted in front of me, the plane is nowhere near solid land.
6:55am
Okay, so now they�re telling us it�ll be another hour. Fine. I can wait.
7:30am
I can�t wait anymore! My legs are cramped, my stomach is empty, my neck is all crooked, and my clothes are all wrinkly and slept-in! GET ME THE HELL OFF THIS PLANE!
7:50am
Oh my gosh, hooray! According to the handy monitor, we�re only twenty miles away from Heathrow!
7:53am
Twelve miles!
7:55am
Six Miles!
8:00am
Uh�nine miles.
8:04am
Thirteen miles. I don�t mean to be a backseat pilot or anything, but WE�RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!
8:09am
Six miles!
8:12am
Ten miles. QUIT FUCKING WITH ME!
8:20am
Touchdown!
8:35am
Reunited with Peggy, and on our way to our connecting flight via British Airways! Which admittedly doesn�t leave for another three and a half hours, but at least we didn�t miss it already, American Airlines.
8:45am
Okay, so the signs say we�re supposed to go to Terminal 1, which, of course, is in another building. However, we�ve been following signs for Terminal 1 for about ten minutes now, and we haven�t gotten to jackshit. This is one seriously long terminal. But it does end, right? I mean, if it didn�t end, they�d have to call it the interminal or something, right? Wouldn�t they? Sweet fancy Moses, I need sleep.
9:00am
On the bus, to building number two, home of Terminal 1. How is that logical? Building number one is for Terminal 3 and Terminal 4, while building number two is for Terminal 1. Terminal 2 can go fuck itself, I suppose. Everything�s turvy-topsy over here!
9:15am
Lost in another maze of hallways, following signs to Terminal 1. If I never ride another escalator again, that will be fine with me.
9:30am
WHY DOES THAT SIGN SAY THAT ALL BRITISH AIRWAYS FLIGHTS LEAVE FROM TERMINAL 4?
9:45am
I am getting sick and tired of this fucking bus bullshit.
10:05am
Hooray! Terminal 4! Lots of shops, and time to kill before I go!
11:00am
Rassa-frassin� cornholing British e-mail stations�WHY DON�T THEY LAY THE KEYS OUT RIGHT???
11:07am
DEAR MOM; I HAVE MADE IT TO LONDON OKAZ! I CANNOT FIGURE OUT TIS STUPID EMAIL TERMIBAL! I DON�T KNOW IF MZ SISTER IS AWARE THAT MZ FLIGGHTS ARE ALL SCREWED UP! WHZ ARE THE Z AND Y BUTTONS INTERCHANGED ON THIS INFERNAL THING?? OOPS � AM OUT OF TIME. TALK TO ZOU LATER! LUV DR NO
11:30am
Okay, my flight is supposed to start boarding five minutes. Why isn�t the gate listed on the monitor?
11:35am
Why isn�t the gate listed on the monitor?
11:40am
"Excuse me, sir, why isn�t my gate listed on the monitor?"
11:42am
Jeez, what an asshole. Oh, hey, my gate number is up!
12:00pm
Here we are at Gate 4! Now�why isn�t my flight boarding?
12:10pm
Why isn�t my flight boarding?
12:20pm
Why isn�t my flight boarding?
12:25pm
We�re boarding!
12:30pm
Jeez, this is a long gangway.
12:32pm
Stairs? WTF?
12:35pm
Okaaay�I�m walking onto the tarmac. Oh! This must be one of those little flights where you walk out and have to cross the tarmac and get on�
12:36pm
�A bus. Is somebody kidding? No, for real, is this a joke?
12:40pm
Oh, I see -- we take the bus to the plane and then we board.
12:50pm
�Or maybe we just sit here�
1:00pm
Take-off! Hooray!
3:00pm (Z�rich Time)
Landing! Hooray!
3:25pm
WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY BAGS, YOU WHORES??? EVERYBODY BURN IN HELL!!!
4:00pm
At long last, reunited with my sister and on the road in Switzerland. What adventures await us, I know not; I only know that if they are half as exciting as the ones that brought me here, I think I�ll quit right now. Or, I�ll quit as soon as I they find my bags and send them to me.
4:05pm
Oh, shit, look at that mountain! Fuck quitting and fuck my bags, I�m home.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: "Patricia Heaton" facial I�m Watching: The Jury, and I�m totally lukewarm on it. And: A tape of Home Movies from when I was away, and it�s hee-larious!