Ever have one of those days where you feel like you�ve stepped into a wormhole to another dimension? I�m having one of those days. Yesterday I woke up in Z�rich, and today I woke up in LA. I don�t mind telling you it was a very harsh reality to face, made all the crueler by the knowledge that I would have to go to work and face an onslaught of familiar demons my life had been so blissfully absent of for�well, for an increment of time that seems immeasurable.
Maybe it�s jet-lag, or maybe it�s due to something more psychologically profound, I don�t know -- and how could I? What with all the jet-lag, I barely know my own name at this moment -- but I can�t seem to quantify the time I spent overseas with my sister. In my head and on paper it was but a brief ten days that I was freed from the chains of the mundane (nine days actually spent in foreign lands). But whenever I try to pinpoint it on my biological clock, the mechanism stops working, the hands spinning in opposite directions, and I simply can�t feel it out. Sometimes it seems like it was just nine days, sometimes it seems like it was longer or shorter, and always it seems like a part of me is still there. A big part of me did not want to come back. A big part of me wishes I hadn�t. It hurt a little, to tell the truth, when I woke up this morning knowing I couldn�t call across the room and ask my sister if she was ready to hit the caf� for cappuccinos and croissants yet.
Not that it was all wine and roses, of course. After all, it was international travel, which is like some kind of magnet imbued with the supernatural power to attract all trouble within a radius equal to the total distance of miles traveled. I attracted a lot of trouble in my attempts to flee the country, let me just tell you�
Friday, May 28th
4:00am
I�m awake! At least I think I�m awake. I don�t know that I was ever strictly asleep. It�s 4:00am, what do you want from me?
4:20am
I really hope my ride to the airport is on time, because it would really pretty much suck elephant dong if I wa�oh, here he is!
4:35am
Oh my gosh, why are we going so slow? Seriously, this guys moves about as quickly as the plot of a Stanley Kubrick film, and makes almost as little sense. Wait, where are we and why are we stopping?
4:40am
Why am I sitting alone in the van at the side of the road at 4:40 in the morning? Is the driver coming back?
4:45am
Okay, good, he�s back.
4:50am
Okay, I�m sitting, alone, in the dark, at the side of the road again. What the hell is going on?? I HAVE TO BE AT THE AIRPORT IN FIFTEEN MINUTES, DUDE!!!
5:05am
I�m at the airport! Hooray! And now I just have to get in�
5:45am
The longest line I�ve ever seen, anywhere, ever. I�ve been standing here for forty minutes. Why did they cancel a 6:00am flight on the day that I have to leave the country? It�s so rude. Also rude is this ridiculous woman in front of me with the clogs and the rolled socks and the bag of fruit. Hey lady -- quit sucking on that plum, hang up your cell phone, and look at the people in front of you! They�ve all moved!
6:45am
Okay, I�m finally at the gate, and�hello, this guy in front of me is gorgeous! I hope I get to sit next to him!
7:00am
Nope. But this lady sitting next to me isn�t so bad. When she stops sucking on that hard candy, I�ll talk to her. Maybe she has a cute nephew.
7:30am
Nope. Shit.
8:30am
Hey, the in-flight movie is Love, Actually! Cool. You know, it�s funny how Billy Bob Thornton can actually play a moderately convincing President, when, based on his real-life choices, I wouldn�t even follow the man into a lifeboat.
2:00pm (EST)
We�ve reached New York City way ahead of schedule! Hooray! I�m dying to get out and stretch my legs! I guess the weather�s a little bad, so they�ll have to circle for a little while, but that�s cool.
3:00pm
For the love of decency, will we ever stop circling the airport? Actually, this wouldn�t be so bad if that guy two rows back would just stop puking. Seriously, I�ve counted eight episodes in the last fifteen minutes. I thought it was a bunch of people, but it turns out it�s just been the same guy. For an hour. Why doesn�t he take that into the bathroom? Oh, yeah, I forgot -- there�s a couple having sex in there.
3:05pm
"Flight Attendants, prepare for landing." Yay!
3:15pm
"Flight Attendants, prepare for landing." Uh�yay�?
3:30pm
"Flight Attendants, prepare to land in Philadelphia." The hell? Okay, great. We�re going to land in Philadelphia so we can re-fuel, so we can fly back to New York and circle some more. Just great.
4:15pm
Landing in Philly. You know, of all the performances to get an encore, the puking I could do without.
4:45pm
Okay, my connecting flight leaves in just over a half-hour. If we take off right this second, we might make it just barely, because the flights are probably delayed over there, too!
5:00pm
Okay, if I teleport onto a helicopter right this second, I could�sigh.
5:05pm
"Flight Attendants, prepare for take-off." Yay!
5:15pm
"Flight Attendants, prepare for take-off." Uh�yay�?
5:25pm
"Flight Attendants, prepare for take-off." That joke isn�t funny anymore.
5:30pm
Oh, hey, we�re taking off! Okay, if we go faster than the speed of light, we might be able to reverse time so I can catch my connecting flight!
5:50pm
Sigh. Maybe there�s another connection.
6:15pm
We�ve landed, and there isn�t another connection. Or at least, there doesn�t appear to be. This lady is totally ignoring the four of us who are trying to get a connection to Z�rich. What gives, Ticket Lady?? There�s four of us! We could kick your ass!
6:45pm
Ohmygaw�there is a connection! Granted it�s a circuitous one -- NY to London to Z�rich with layovers in between -- but seriously? Point me towards the Atlantic and I�ll swim if necessary.
6:50pm
Of course the connecting flight would be leaving from a different freaking building. Having befriended one of my fellow travelers, Peggy, we will work together to make it on time! After all, the flight starts boarding in 25 minutes.
7:15pm
Peggy is really putting the drag in my chute, but we�ve actually made it to the international terminal on time! Whoopee!
7:16pm
Why aren�t we boarding?
7:30pm
Why aren�t we boarding?
7:45pm
Why aren�t we boarding my section?
7:55pm
At last! Safely in my seat, and ready to go to London! Again. Although I�m beginning to harbor serious doubts that I�ll ever get to Switzerland at this rate.
8:00pm
Why aren�t we taking off?
8:15pm
Why aren�t we taking off?
8:30pm
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN "SIXTEENTH IN LINE FOR TAKE-OFF"???
8:45pm
Where the fuck is the Flight Attendant? I need a drink.
8:55pm
"Flight Attendants, prepare for take-off." Yeah, right. I�ve heard this one already, and I hate the way it ends.
9:00pm
Oh, shit, we�re taking off!
9:03pm
�And I�m sitting over the engine. Figures. Oh shit, I just made eye contact with someone! I hate that! Now they�re going to think we�re friends, or something. WHERE�S THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WITH THOSE DRINKS???
11:00pm
So far so good. In fact, so very good. Me and my Courvoisier are coping with the day quite nicely, I think. I�m soooo very relaxed. Methinks I�ll get some sleep�