� Memoirs of an Evil Genius �
Conquering the World, One Martini at a Time

� Back-Up Plan �
4:00 p.m., 2004-06-10

I was once told that sugar raises the body temperature. Which may well be the case, but I stand here before you to testify to the utmost certainty that the infinitesimal fraction of a degree that sugar adds to the net amount of heat your body generates doesn�t help you for shit when an overworked A/C unit, its temperature gauge set for "Deep Space", is coming at you full-bore with the deadly intent to send ice crystals shooting through your capillaries. If my hands get any colder, liquid nitrogen will be afraid to handle me. All joking aside, I was on an Alp last week that was warmer than my office is right now.

Not surprisingly, the carpet of snow on the Matterhorn also ran a distant second in depth when compared to the stack of paperwork that New New New Girl did not take care of in my absence. I mean, I know she�s new and that this is an involved job, and I wasn�t exactly able to keep on top of everything during my first few weeks at Arts-Friendly either, but this is the kind of "backed-up" that makes the DMV look prompt. I swear I practically need water-wings to get around in here.

And I�m not trying to bag on her, or anything, but NNNG seems a little too cheerfully oblivious about everything, like, "Oh, well, if it doesn�t get done, it just doesn�t get done!" That�s not an acceptable response, NNNG. If it "doesn�t get done" it doesn�t just not get done, it backs up! And then it backs up some more! And then it grows teeth and hair, and bites a chunk out of your backside one day when you�re waxing na�ve about your reverse progress! That�s what happens. Maybe she�s fine with having her own ass-chunks being removed by toothy, hirsute printouts, their beady eyes little more than circles of red pen, their creepy little paper mouths all calling for blood, but I think my ass is much more attractive without those chunks missing, thanks.

Anyway, things can only get better now that Anna is leaving the company, he said optimistically. I�m not clear on who her replacement is going to be -- or, in keeping with the alarming tradition of this company, should I say, "if she will have a replacement" -- but even if it�s Darth Vader, or a fucking sock puppet of King Lear, he couldn�t possibly screw up any worse than Anna. He said optimistically.

Actually, I take that all back. Keiko, whom Anna replaced, was almost as scattershot as her successor, and unless this new person (and please let there be a new person) is trained by our office, they�re going to suffer from the same absolute lack of clarity that made Anna such effective force�OF EVIL! Okay, I exaggerate a little with the �EVIL� -- she wasn�t my favorite person, but I guess Anna wasn�t �EVIL�. At least, not in the strictest definition of the term. But the point I�m acquainting myself with here is that if Anna was allowed to "perform" the "duties" of her job in such a haphazard, clusterfucky way for so long without anyone ever actually addressing the matter in a conclusively remedial way, I fail to see that a replacement would be trained to do any different.

Or maybe I should just stop being such a pessimist and enjoy it while I can. Incidentally? Today marks exactly one year since I started working here. Time flies. Like a dead bird.

Someone Got Here By Searching For: oral sex song lyrics I�m Watching: From Hell, which maybe has some egg on its face since it came out just before Patricia Cornwell [apparently] figured out who he really was. And: Cartoons, because one should never go to sleep right after watching people getting their throats slit, you know?

� 2005 by Dr. No, all rights reserved; you break it, you buy it.



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