I want you to do something for me. Think of the worst movie you�ve ever seen -- picture it in your head. Now, I want you to multiply it by two, cut the production values in half, throw out all hope, and there you have Freddy vs. Jason.
I�m not kidding. It�s really bad. Like, bad. Like, crapping your pants at a posh cocktail party bad. Like, walking in your parents the night they decide to experiment with toys, bad. Coincidentally, it�s also �walking in on your parents the night they decide to experiment with toys� perversely funny, too. It�s a fine line, but it�s there. At any rate, this movie is just so bad, you have to see it.
I got the exclusive opportunity to attend an advance screening of this new cinematic treasure, and while I laughed and howled my way from the first frame unto the very last, wiping away the occasional tear of uncontrolled levity, I think I was moved by the experience. This movie is bad, y�all. Quite possibly, it�s the worst piece of shit movie I�ve seen in the theater to date, and I�ve seen Idol Hands! I can�t say it�s the worst piece of shit movie ever made, because there�s still Glitter, but it�s right up there. Er, �down� there.
And this movie has been a decade in the making -- ever since they trotted Jason Voorhees out of his musty coffin for 1993�s stellar offering Jason Goes To Hell: No, This Time We Really Mean It: No, Really: No, I�m Not Kidding This Time: No�Hey, Where�s Everybody Going? and ended the film with (spoiler!) the famous claw-hand of Freddy Krueger erupting from the earth to pull Jason�s mask down, presumably to the foul pits of the infernal abyss. And for those of you who advise lengthy strategizing and that whole �slow and steady wins the race� philosophy, you need only look as far as this steaming bag of gristly, bovine crap to see how very wrong you are (no offense).
I guess on the face of it, pitting two powerhouse horror franchises of yore against each other in one film seemed like a Can�t Miss opportunity to capitalize on the public�s need for its recommended allowance of gratuitous death and boobs. Unfortunately, someone really dropped the ball. And the ball landed right on the teeth of a rake, and it popped and zipped merrily around for a moment, making that high-pitched farty noise as it expelled all its air, before coming to rest on someone�s casserole in a slack, lifeless lump. This movie somehow managed to not capture any of the essence that made either franchise successful.
Aside from Freddy�s generally flip attitude about disemboweling nubile young teenagers, the only humor in this film was to be derived from the truly unfortunate script. I mean, that script was the Hamlet of bad, you guys. It was so bad it�s been quarantined by the EPA. Despite the most sincere efforts of the cast (which featured the combined, unbeatable star power of That One Girl from Destiny�s Child and Some Dude), the movie was just a potluck of horror clich�s, conclusion-jumping, and the least convincing line delivery this side of a Ben & J.Lo interview. And when you hear lines like, �Wait, you guys�Freddy died by fire�and Jason died by water! How can we use that?� it doesn�t really matter how they�re delivered. Their very existence is enough to give you cramps from laughter.
Well, I could go on, but I won�t. Suffice it to say that this movie was abominable, and you totally have to see it.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: �you are getting sleepy� giggling And: I�ve gotten about a zillion hits for people searching for some variation on �Wes from Boy Meets Boy� I�m Watching: Anything I can to cleanse my palate from that movie. Like maybe QVC. I�ve Got: Shitloads to do before I can go to bed, and here I am, wasting time online. Go me!