Dear Blair:

So here�s the problem: I�ve got these co-workers, see? And they�re all very nice (for the most part), but we occasionally seem to have some communication problems. Like, for example, the last few weeks have seen the boss, whom we shall refer to as �Jeannie�, and the accountant, whom we shall refer to as �Zoe�, going out to the local coffee shop. I�m not able to actually leave the phone, as I�m apparently tethered to it by my very soul, but they always offer to bring me back something.

So, I know you�re thinking, �Well, what�s the problem here?� Well, the problem is this: every time they go, I order a vanilla cappuccino, and every time they come back, they�ve gotten me a vanilla latt�! A latt�! Did I ask for a latt�? Does �cappuccino� even sound like latt�? Why can�t they get it right? Is this a conspiracy?

I appreciate the fact that they�re getting stuff for me, but they�re getting the wrong stuff! And I�m paying for it! I don�t want to be rude or whatever, but how can I get the point across?

Signed, Tired of Latt�

Dear Tired,

�I�ve got these co-workers, see?� Yeah, I do. And there�s your problem. Get rid of those jackasses. Next time they come back with a fucking latt�, throw in their stupid faces! And then scream really, really loud, and maybe stamp your feet or something. Then you can kick them and throw the phone out the window, and finally eviscerate them and bury them in the woods under a pile of rocks. Or, you know, whatever works for you.

Also? Don�t call me �Blair�, or I swear I�ll eat your babies.

--The Blair Witch

B:

There�s this guy who I went on one date with a while back. He was really nice, personable, charming�and old. Well, not like old, just strangely more mature than I�m ready for at the moment, I suppose you could say. So I didn�t really feel any kind of romantic connection with him. Plus, I wasn�t physically attracted to him either, so that kind of put the kibosh on any further dating hijinks, you know?

At least, for me. See, he emailed me about getting together again, and I bagged on him (for legit reasons, actually), and then I didn�t hear from him for almost two weeks, and I thought I was in the clear. I figured he also realized that there wasn�t anything there, so no hard feelings, and there would be no uncomfortable conversation about, �Hey, guess who�s not really into this? Me! Surprise!�

Only he emailed me again. And this time he wants to go out to a movie. Together. Alone. And he called me �Angelface�. Angelface! We�ve been out once and he�s already using cute little names for me!

Okay, maybe he was just being funny! You know how, like, you�ll sometimes call your friends things like �babe� or �darlin�� or� �Angelface�. Oh shit. What do I do? How do I go back in time and make this all not happen?

Signed, Angelface

Dear Angelface,

Dude, you�re fucked.

--The Blair Witch

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