First of all, the fact that this office is so filthy dirty that there are ants actually crawling inside my keyboard, is possibly the most revolting thing, ever. I mean, I understand that due to climate and location and blah blah and blah, a certain number of insects in your territory is more or less inevitable, but there is a line of fire ants doing the flamenco on the rim of my drinking glass, people! This isn�t okay!
Also not okay? Stupid-ass people on the phone. I had a really exciting conversation earlier this morning, which I have dutifully transcribed for you, here:
Me: Titanic Cruises, how may I direct your call?Willfully Ignorant Buffoon: Is Miss Allison Gentry there?
Me: I�m afraid no one by that name works here.
WIB: Is this Washington Mutual?
Me: �no, this is Titanic Cruises.
WIB: Did I dial 55�uh�5�
Me: I have no idea -- several numbers come into this switchboard and I have no idea which�
WIB: 55176855�
Me: I don�t know! I have no way of knowing what you dialed!
WIB: Is this the bank?
Me: What? Yes. Yes, this is the First National Bank of Titanic Cruises, you colossal fuck! Pay attention!
And then he hung up. How rude.Anyway, you know who needs a clue? David E. Kelly. Like, what�s going on with his shows? Well, �show�, technically. Now that Ally McBeal is floating face down in the shark tank of television history, The Practice is really the only thing he�s got out there. Thankfully.
And there�s like 17 regular cast members on The Practice now! When did that happen? I haven�t actually watched the show in two years, because it just started to get all stupid and repeat-y all the time, but I tuned in last night and saw all these new people running around. DEK is still unable to give his established cast weekly screentime -- I mean, every episode is about two or three of the lawyers, and the other twelve of them are nowhere to be seen -- and yet he throws in a bunch of newbies? What�s up with that?
Not that the runaway cast is a new problem for David E. Kelly. Remember Ally McBeal? After five years, I think that Richard Roundtree and Marjoe Gortner were the only two living people that never made an appearance on the show, either as regulars or guest stars. I mean, it started with an outrageous number of regulars, but every season they added more and more and more! Eventually, Ally McBeal was like a freaking Cecil B. DeMille production, with 49 lead actors and a supporting cast of thousands. They probably had to shoot it in an airplane hangar or the Silverdome or something, just to fit everyone in. �It�s Ally McBeal! Starring Callista Flockhart! Lisa Nicole Carson! Greg Germann! Jamie Lee Curtis! Fran Drescher! Jose Ferrer! Bonita Money! Carole Lombard! Sally Struthers! Madonna! Rip Torn! Susannah York! Meredith Baxter-Birney! Corey Haim! Peter Falk! The Green Bay Packers! Nelson Mandela! Mama Celeste!� And so forth.
The nice thing about it is that it was an automatic icebreaker. I mean, if you met someone new and couldn�t think of anything to talk about, you could just ask, �So�which episode of Ally were you on?� Of course, the answer would inevitably be, �You know�the one where she was all neurotic and needed a man.�
And, having seen last night�s The Practice, I feel I must ask this question: what the hell happened to Lara Flynn Boyle? Remember when she used to be really striking and attractive in a sort of menacing way? I mean she always had that kind of mysterious and slightly dangerous ice princess appeal that, you know, all those chicks from Twin Peaks had. Now, she�s got bangs like a soccer mom from Branson, Missouri, and these huge wax lips! I mean, this collagen thing has got to stop. I enjoy full lips as much as the next guy, but only if they�re natural. Implants throw off your whole facial equilibrium, you know? Those lips aren�t bee-stung, they were systematically attacked by a squadron of Portuguese Man-o-War Jellyfish.
And I�m quite excited about tonight�s all-new Buffy, although I must also sadly point out that Runaway Cast Syndrome has also afflicted them. Oh well. Between Buffy and 24, I believe I�m in for a very exciting evening. Hooray!
Hey, sweet! I loved Teri! Sniffle.
