Oscar Night, Part the First

The morning after the Oscars� dawns once again, and with it comes the certain knowledge that famous people everywhere are completely hung over. But not me! Whoop! Although I don�t feel particularly well this morning, all the same. My poor tummy is causing more internal discord than Michael Moore�s acceptance speech. Methinks I stuffed too much Oscar snack-food down my craw last night. And this vanilla latt� (which bears no resemblance to the vanilla cappuccino that I asked for -- thank you again, Zelda) isn�t being too friendly to the old stomach. But let�s not talk about my overweening nausea right now. Let�s discuss fame!

Susan Sarandon Was she hot or was she hot last night? Personally, I think she was hot. She looked good, she sounded good, and she was very simple and straightforward. We all know how political she and hubby Tim Robbins are, but she didn�t make an issue out of it. She flashed her peace sign, and then got on with business.

Catherine Zeta-Jones First of all, I�m pretty sure that baby is mine. I mean, I haven�t actually slept with CZJ or anything, but I think she was making love to me with her eyes all throughout Chicago, and I think a paternity test is in order. Also, she looked damn good, and I couldn�t be any happier than I am that she won that award. She kicked that part�s ass in half. She owned it. She made that part her bitch, and that part loved it.

Diane Lane Hot and classy.

Adrien Brody Humble! Such a nice change of pace for an Oscar winner! He was truly surprised and I love that shit.

Gael Garcia Bernal I�m pretty sure he�s having my baby, too. I�m looking into it. If he�s not, we can fix that.

Jennifer Garner Anyone who can stand next to CGI Mickey and smile at the camera for four and a half minutes with nothing else to do but feel stupid, and then shake it all off like it�s no big thing is a hero in my book. Plus, she was hot.

Nicole Kidman Aside from the hair, which was a shade too blonde, she looked stunning. And she gave a great speech, and didn�t hog the spotlight, and was all about the family solidarity, and didn�t slam Tom Cruise (who evidently didn�t even show, the punk-ass), and she beat out sour-puss Ren�e Zellweger.

Queen Latifah Does she look like the most funnest person ever, or what? I want Queen Latifah to be my friend.

Well, okay, not everyone else, but could they have been more boring this year? Blah blah politics blah. Shut up about politics. If I cared about politics, I�d watch CNN.

Oscar Night, Part the Second

So I watched the Oscars at a grand soir�e with such notable personalities as Carrie, Becca, Jessica, Heather, Lauren, and May Day. After the whole thing was over, and we�d watched Ewan McGregor shaking his�er, �groove thing� in Velvet Goldmine a few times, we decided to head on up to party central and gawk at movie stars. After all, that�s what living in L.A. is all about, right? So we go to West Hollywood, which was just perfect, because it wasn�t too far away, and we were surrounded by very attractive gay men. Whenever I got tired of craning my neck over the pathetic sots at Good Morning America who were trying desperately to attract the attention of some C-list �celebrity� on the other side of the barricade (�Jennifer Love Hewitt! Over here! Over here, Jennifer! Please! No, seriously! You�re not getting any famous-er, Jenny Love! Take it while it lasts! Over here!�), I could always look around and enjoy eye candy. And then they�d make eye contact and smile and I�d freak out because I�m a chicken-shit and don�t know how to flirt without falling over and breaking something.

Ahem.

It was a little embarrassing when Matthew McConaughey tore off all his clothes and begged me to make love to him right there in front of Meet the Press and everything, but I�m getting used to that sort of attention.

Perhaps the best was actually when we had tired of leering at stars and decided to make our way back home. We came to a street corner, just outside the Vanity Fair party, and were held up on the street corner for no reason we could comprehend. Then this limo pulls up to the corner, directly in front of us, and Michael Caine pops out. Like, three feet away. As we�re gaping at Michael Caine, a second car pulls up and John Rhys-Davies steps out, looks directly at us, and says, �Hey�that was Michael Caine!�

So we all just kind of stare at him for a second, and he�s like, �Are you enjoying your evening?� And we all mumble back something in the vein of, �Yeah�uh-huh�sure are�and you?� And he�s all, �Oh, I�m doing fine. Would you guys all like to be my very own personal guests at the premiere party for Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, because you�re all the coolest people I�ve ever met-" and then he got cut off by a bunch of screaming fanboys who hurried over to prostitute themselves to Gimli from LotR, and poor JRD never got to finish before he was whisked away by security. It�s too bad, too, because I think Heather�s carrying his baby now.

So we start heading back to the car, giggling and being all, �OMG! What just happened?� and Lauren starts making out with her hand for some reason, and then May Day looks up and spots Topher Grace walking right towards us. Then he sees that she sees and he gets a little scared, thinking she�s going to call him out and we�re all going to jump on him or something, and then he sees Lauren slipping the tongue to Rosy Palm and gets power-freaked and hurries on past us as fast as possible without actually commandeering a car to escape.

Then he came back to make out with me.

Well, I may be exaggerating some of the details slightly, but that�s the upshot.

Well, Matt and Topher may be a little jealous, but they�ll live.

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