Okay, first of all, Dolly was out of the office yesterday, and it was an earthly paradise, the likes of which have not been seen since Shangri-la (about which, I ought to point out, Jem and the Holograms have waxed musical). And today, the hateful wench is back in force, and doing her best to make my life a miserable and humiliating place to be. I really think I hate her. I don�t know what the shit she�s going to do when I�m not in the office tomorrow, when you consider the fact that she apparently still can�t figure out how to seal her own damn envelopes. How she made it this far in life is anyone�s guess.
Anyway, that wasn�t what I planned to write about. I was on my way into work today when I spotted one of those Target billboards. You know the ones where they�re split into two sides, and one side features an item with the word �NEED� printed over it, and the other side features a different item with �WANT� printed over it? Like, �Target is so great, we�ve got toasters and underwear, which might be an impulse purchase, but it�ll make you feel good!�
Right. Well, I saw one of those today, only it was stupid. Like, one half was a roll of tape that was all �NEED� and the other half was a baby that was all �WANT�. And I realize that they were probably trying to sell baby clothes, but if you show a picture of a baby on a billboard, anyone who doesn�t have an icy, black prune for a heart is going to look right at the baby�s cute little angel face! People don�t look at cute little angel-faced babies and think, �Wow, nice bib!� So basically, intentionally or not, it looks like Target sells babies. Maybe they should change their slogan to �Get Knocked Up By Sensible Prices at Target!�
Okay, maybe I�m just a cranky bastard who needs a date, or some Paxil, because I�m in a seriously foul mood today. As if Dolly wasn�t driving me crazy enough, I�ve just about had it with Miranda�s shit. She forgets everything. She had an appointment a couple weeks ago with some lady, and then spontaneously took the day off without telling anyone about it. So this woman shows up, and she is seriously the most unpleasant person I�ve met in a very long time. And I used to work with mental patients!
Anyway, Crabby Old Bag sat there and gave me all kinds of attitude, like I made Miranda take the day off. Because I�m the devil! Ha ha ha ha ha haaaa! Also, she gave me that little smile that people who think they�re The Shit just looooove to give whenever they think they�ve been wronged in their supreme rightness. And granted she was right -- Miranda had scheduled an appointment and then forgotten about it -- but this woman was more interested in being a martyr and acting like I was going to hell for not producing Miranda than she was in being assisted by anyone else in the office, so I didn�t feel sorry for her ass for a split second.
So today, Crabby Old Bag shows up again. She comes in at 10:10 and announces she has an appointment with �Valerie�, like, way to pay attention, lady. Then she sits down across from me, because of course, of COURSE, Miranda had forgotten all about it, and had wandered off to the coffee shop with Zelda. So Crabby Old Bag sits there for the next 19 minutes, shooting me dirty looks, sighing exaggeratedly, and checking her watch as obviously as possible.
At 10:29, she got prissy with me, demanding to know where Miranda was. I asked what time her appointment was for, to which she replied, �10:30! And she knew about it!� And right here, I was about to reach across the desk and twist this woman�s head off. Instead, I said to her, �Well, it�s only just going on 10:30 now, I�m sure she�ll be back any minute.� So Crabby Old Bag does that laugh that people do when they�re acting like you�re jerking them around so badly that it�s finally just funny, and I wanted to grab her stupid flowered hat and yank it down around her shoulders.
Three minutes pass -- three! -- and Crabby Old Bag stands up with that infuriating smile and goes, �Well, I have a class. This is the second time.� And I�m like, �Lady? It�s 10:32. If you have to leave at 10:32 to get to your fucking class on time, you shouldn�t have scheduled your appointment for 10-fucking-30 in the first place.� Actually, what I said was, �You know, I�m sure Miranda will be back any minute [a lie. I knew Miranda had forgotten all about it], and in the meantime if you�ve got some questions you�d like to have answered�� But at that point, she was already out the door, shaking her head and smiling like I was being as rude as she was. Whatever. Good riddance.
Oh, and incidentally? Miranda showed up fifteen minutes later, shocked to remember that she�d had an appointment this morning. Of course, I couldn�t feel sorry for either of them, which, rather than being liberating, ended up being very frustrating.
