I have to apologize in advance for the fact that today�s entry might seem a tad abrasive or judgmental, or maybe just a trifle chaotic, but I�m sitting in my office on a fucking Monday, and the fucking conference room (where the fucking coffee machine is located) is fucking locked, because Sophie is Somewhere That�s Not Here, and she has the key, and she apparently doesn�t trust me or anyone else to use the conference room appropriately without her constant supervision, so I�m fiending for the sweet elixir of java, and spiraling into a very cranky mood while doing it. So I apologize.
I�m going to kill someone if I don�t get a fucking cup of coffee right now.
Moving on, please promise me -- promise me -- that none of you are planning to watch The WB�s exploration into cruelty and the effects of prolonged abnegation of dignity, Superstar USA. We can�t encourage them, people! I mean, have you seen the commercials for this shitswamp of a TV show? It�s so degrading and contemptible it makes Are You Hot? look like Save the Children. There�s been some seriously reprehensible trash stinking up the airwaves these past few seasons (The Littlest Groom, anyone? Didn�t think so.), but this sinks us to a new low. I mean, this is so low it could limbo under an ant. This is so tacky it�s making Courtney Love feel inferior. It�s so sleazy it just got a major-party endorsement for the Presidential campaign. I�ll stop now.
Oh, and hey! Do you know who had a baby? Miss Gwyneth Paltrow. Do you know what she named it? "Apple". See, now, you�re laughing because you think I�m making this up, but I�m totally not. She really named her daughter "Apple". And see, I would expect that coming from some earth crunchy free spirit type like Kate Hudson or�uh, Fiona Apple, but Miss Gwyneth Paltrow? Those two things make as much sense together as mustard and�um�apples. I always thought she thought she had too much class for something like naming her children from her grocery list. Maybe she could name her next kid "Crouton" or "Veal Cutlets", and get away from the produce section. Also, please insert "fruit of the womb" joke here.
Oh, speaking of apples, last night I almost amputated my thumb while slicing one (an apple) for my dinner. I hate food you have to cut and/or otherwise prepare. That just seems like so much work, and for what? It�s not like I�m trying to impress myself with my prowess in the kitchen, or anything. I already know what I�m capable of, thank you very much. I also know when it�s just dumb luck that a certain dish turned out the way it did, as opposed to raw talent. I mean, not that I�m selling myself short, or anything. I�m no Rocco DiSpirito (which I�m also fine with, thanks), but I�ve been known to whip up an adequate souffl�. Souffl� isn�t easy, folks! There�s a reason they don�t generally include them in your typical frozen dinner! They require a lot of care and attention -- kind of like babies, but really tasty ones who don�t wet the bed. They also require the use of both thumbs, which is an additional reason why I�m glad that knife didn�t go the other way.
You know what�s upsetting? They raised the prices at my weekend coffee shop hangout! (Oh, and I�d like to drop in a little thank you to Shirley, the Accountant, who arrived just moments ago and opened the conference room so I can make coffee and revert back to my mild-mannered alter-ego.) I don�t think they should just get to go and do that. Not that I�ll be taking a stand or anything. There�s a very cute guy who works there, and I�ve spent too much time flirting to give up now. Damn you corporate franchise and your demand for increased revenue!
Anyway, that completes today�s scattered ramblings. For more of my unadulterated opinions on these topics and more, feel free to email me or whatever, and I�ll get back to you when I�m not chasing down wild geese for Anna.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: assqueen I�m Watching: Manhattan, for the first time. I�m Reading: Kissing in Manhattan, but not because of a theme, or anything. Anyway, I�m starting to think that, along with being pretentious, it�s also pretty sexist. I�m Listening To: Loretta Lynn�s Van Lear Rose, and it�s awesome.