I don�t believe life can ever be determined by absolutes. No matter what, there always seems to be an exception to the rule, and the moment you decide something is the way it is, without qualification, you end up with egg all over your face. This is a large part of the reason why I did not involve myself in the ongoing bet betwixt Tony from Data Entry and Shirley, the Accountant, as to whom would grace the Top Three from American Idol. I mean, not to sound like a pessimist, but America has disappointed me before. Remember The Dread Carmen?
Anyway, if I�d engaged in what seemed like a sure thing (Jasmine? In the top three? Pshaw!), I would now be out the cost of a Starbucks latt�. So about $46.97, give or take. I actually watched most of the results show last night, but only because the competition was the "Girls Tell All" episode of The Bachelor, which is really just a flimsy excuse to prompt confrontation and reproach amongst a bunch of (hopefully) squabbling former romantic rivals. Really, the first half-hour could have been called the "Dogpile On Trish" Special (Trish is the loose one who routinely mistakes disdain for her abrasive and conceited demeanor for envy on the part of all women everywhere across the globe -- yeah, she�s that girl), as they dedicated it to a Q&A with everyone�s least favorite bachelorette.
I actually defaulted to the hour-long American Idol results show because it was the less exploitative choice of programming. It�s sad.
Fortunately, I don�t care one way or the other about The Bachelor or American Idol. Although I have to say that for a minute there at the end of AI, I was afraid it was going to turn into Woodstock �99 or something. Anyway, there are other absolutes to which I�ve laid claim, that have recently found me egg-y enough to put together a delicious frittata brunch for four. One such avowal was that I would, without question, abandon my current cell phone carrier just as soon as my contract with them was up (which will happen in August).
And then came last night, when some lady with a New Yawk accent called me to "thank me" for being such a loyal customer (See, they knew I was planning to kick their shit to the curb! They�re spying on me!) and to offer me a whole bunch of Stick Around And We�ll Sweeten The Pot deals for the near future. Free of charge, they moved my Nights & Weekends back by two hours and offered me a $150 credit towards a new phone. So, I�m thinking that frittata will serve as a nice side dish while I�m eating my words.
But do you see why I was so peeved with them? I know you�re wondering why I signed up for such a crappy deal in the first place, but, see, when I first got my cell phone, things weren�t like they are now! Back then, phones weighed about 35 pounds each, Nights & Weekends started at, like, midnight, and you just considered yourself lucky if you found a phone that wasn�t proven to cause cancer in laboratory animals. So, 2001.
Anyway, a couple months ago, a friend told me that I should call them up and tell them that I was unhappy with my service and that I was planning to leave, and he swore they would bend over backwards and crab-walk up and down the stairs like Linda Blair in the re-release of The Exorcist, all to keep me as a satisfied customer. So I called, and I threatened to leave, and the guy�s like, "Oh. Okay. That�ll be a $100 penalty for terminating your contract early." And what the hell am I supposed to say to that? "Fine! Maybe I�ll just pay that $100 fine and take my business elsewhere!" Like I can afford to do that. Fine me $100 for anything and I�ll do shit that will make Linda Blair look like Mary freaking Poppins.
Anyway, following that conversation I swore on the grave of Bluebeard that in August I would be away from that company so fast it would be like a damn time warp�and here I am now, shopping for a new phone online.
As soon as you think you�re out�they pull you right back in.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: Sheryl Crow is a whore [Oh, everyone�s a whore.] I�m Watching: The Bachelor. Ever notice how Trish always looks surprised? I�m thinking maybe she shouldn�t pluck her eyebrows into such a high arch. And: American Idol. Despite my better judgment, I feel bad for Jasmine because of how everyone totally hates her now.