� Memoirs of an Evil Genius �
Conquering the World, One Martini at a Time

� Like Milk Duds for the Brain �
11:35 a.m., 2004-05-12

So last night was interesting. Did you guys see American Idol? I love the way they totally exploit the fragile psyche of teenagers suddenly thrust into the public eye and ruthlessly criticized on national television. It�s just so classy. I only wish they could push that camera into their faces just a hare closer when they start crying like that, because I sure get a charge out of counting the tears as they start to fall! And who did that girl think she was, anyway? Tilting her head away from the cameras and letting her hair obscure her face like that! I want to see the pain! I want to witness the abject humiliation of a sixteen-year-old who just got told she was no good in front of 20 million Americans!

That�s sarcasm. Well, mostly. I have to confess that despite all my intentions to the contrary, I did get a little sucked in by AI this season. I still haven�t voted yet this season -- nor do I intend to -- but I have found myself tuning in pretty regularly these last few weeks. I attribute that in large part to the paucity of acceptable programming elsewhere in the world at 8:00pm on Tuesdays, but not entirely, if I�m going to be honest (and I might as well). American Idol is TV junk food, and I love me some junk food! Plus, the theme this week was disco, and if AI contestants can do nothing else, they can usually belt out the disco numbers adequately enough. After all, karaoke is the breeding ground for AI contestants, as well the place disco went to die, so it was truly a match made in heaven!

Since I know exactly what your next question is, I�ll answer it right now: no, I wasn�t disappointed by the performances. Well, no more than usual. I mean, it�s not like I was expecting the Royal Opera Guild, or anything. TV junk food, people, remember? I was far more disappointed by some of the plot "twists" during the ensuing hour of 24, to put it matter-of-factly. Can anyone explain to me just what the hell the writers are trying to do to Sherry? You know, she used to be one of my favorite characters, with the unpredictability and the scheming and conniving! Now she�s basically just acting like this bitter thirteen-year-old, trying to get a very impulsive and shortsighted revenge on her ex-boyfriend, without actually thinking ahead about her actions. Very, very disappointing.

I guess that�s what comes of shoehorning a popular character into the final hours of real-time series. I mean, I know a certain amount of disbelief suspension is required -- in any show, but especially for 24, where certain allowances must be made for the ambitious format -- but my disbelief has been suspended so long it might as well just be expelled by now. Also, the list of Stuff I�m Getting Sick Of Watching Every Week is growing exponentially. First it was just Kim and her ludicrous new job/hairdo, but now Chase is on there (seriously, I know someone�s got to die this season -- can�t it be him?), Chase and Kim together (boring!), Palmer (extra boring!), Palmer�s brother (whatever the hell his name is -- Kevin? Keith? Whatever.), and now this mess with Sherry. It�s depressing, is what it is. At least Michelle has survived (thus far -- knock on wood)(see what I did there? I tied American Idol in at the end!), which is keeping me happy for now.

Meanwhile, a couple channels over, things were going nowhere but up as UPN aired America�s Next Top Model: The Runway Ahead! For those of you who missed it, and are therefore rightly ashamed and sorrowful, it was a glorious hour in which we checked back in with America�s Next Top Model herself, Yoanna, as well as all those losers she lived with for ten weeks or whatever. It was great to see Yoanna getting some exposure outside of my office. It was also great to see a bunch of those losers whining about how they lost, each one proclaiming that now is when the real competition starts! Which is Loser Code for "I�m not going to give up trying to beat all these bitches on some level until I die! Look! I got the roundest tomatoes in my garden salad! I win!" Losers.

Ironically? I didn�t mind watching them cry on camera.

Someone Got Here By Searching For: "amazing race" + "had to pee" [It�s nice to see someone combining their interests like that.] I�m Watching: 24. Seriously? Kill Chase. Or Kim. Or Palmer. And: ANTM, and it�s nice to see time hasn�t affected Camille�s neo-cubist perspective on reality one little bit.

A Year Ago, I Said:

And, dude! It�s not like I have a problem with the children! I want to save the children as much as the next guy, but I honestly don�t have any money on me! I mean, they look at you like you just said, "Actually, I�d kind of like the children to suffer. Builds character."
Save the Children, Shithead!
5-12-2003

� 2005 by Dr. No, all rights reserved; you break it, you buy it.



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