First of all, check this shit out. And then? Cry with me.
I mean, seriously. Seriously. That is quite possible the stupidest thing I�ve ever heard in my entire 25 years of life, and that includes the time that my ex-girlfriend fell asleep with the pillow over her face and woke up thinking someone was trying to suffocate her. Incidentally, she was not a blonde. For those of you too lazy to click the link or read the story (and I know you�re out there), it seems that the cafeterias in the House of Representatives have decided to take a stand against France! That right, France, you heard us; we�re sick of you not supporting our pissing contest -- excuse me, I meant �plans to invade Iraq� -- and we�re going to do something about it, by gum! We�re no longer giving France the dignity of claiming ownership of such refined delicacies as deep-fat fried potatoes, and eggy bread. No, from now on we will no longer partake of �French� fries and �French� toast. They will now be known as �Freedom� fries and �Freedom� toast!
No, see, now you think I�m making stuff up, but I�m totally not. Go back and click on that link, y�all. This is for real. I mean, there�s stupid, and then there�s stupid, you know? I mean, I seriously didn�t think idiocy could sink any lower than our current slate of reality TV programming, but �Freedom� fries? That takes the cake. And then it leaves the cake out in the rain. I mean, that cake is just fucked up.
As someone else who shall remain nameless (because I don�t who they were) said, that is so stupid it makes fun of itself. How can I add to that? Not only is it completely puerile, but it makes us as a country look like a bunch of pedantic snots who honestly seem to believe we�re making some kind of Point by changing the name of our stupid-ass fast food. And we won�t even talk about �Freedom� toast, because that shit is so asinine that even allowing the phrase to pass through my cerebellum threatens to drain me of vital IQ points.
But Freedom fries??? Honestly! Once again, I am forced to declare Shenanigans, because I�I just can�t believe it. I mean, what�s next for poor France? Will she be forced to sit apart from the cool table at lunch? Will we be passing notes to Austria in third period and whispering about what France is wearing? Will we deliberately invite Switzerland and Luxembourg to the Great American Slumber Party, pointedly leaving France off the list but making sure that she knows we�re inviting everybody else, and then at the slumber party, we�ll all get buzzed on stuff we raided from Canada�s liquor cabinet, and then prank call France in the middle of the night?
France�s Mom: �Allo?America: Um�can France come to the phone?
France: This is France, who is this?
America: Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
France: Actually, I think he�s at the embassy in C�te D�Azur, but --
America: Fine, whatever�is your refrigerator running?
France: Um�yeah.
America: Then you better catch it! HA HA HA! [click]
Does Dubya realize just how petty that makes America look? What�s next, dude? Should we cover up that statue they gave us? You know, the one in the New York harbor? That really tall one of the lady with the torch and the tablet and stuff? Should we cover that up to show France just how wrong they are for not supporting a potential nuclear war? I mean, does Dubya realize that a huge number of his alleged constituents also don�t support his actions in the Middle East?Dubya: The Manhattan.Joint Chiefs of Staff: Excuse me, sir?
Dubya: That drink, the Manhattan? We�re changing it. New Yorkers don�t support the war on Iraq, so from now on we�re calling it �The Dallas�!
JcoS: Brilliant! That�ll learn �em!
Dubya: And Chicago-style Pizza is now to be known as �Washington, DC-style Pizza�! California Rolls are now �Oklahoma Rolls�! Kentucky Fried Chicken is�okay, that�s still Kentucky Fried Chicken.
JcoS: Actually, it�s KFC now. Lawsuit, you know?
Dubya: Damned liberals.
I went home and told May Day the news yesterday and we had a good, really shocked laugh about it.May Day: What France must think of us.Me: France will never let me come over again, now! I�m�embarrassed. I�m actually embarrassed for our entire country about this!
May Day: I�m composing a letter. �Dear France -- I swear we�re not all idiots! Please don�t think that all Americans are that insipid!�
Me: I can�t believe that this is how I, personally, am being represented to France through the media.
May Day: France is probably just shaking its head sadly and rolling its eyes, all, �And zey wonder why we are so rude to Americans!�
Me: All this shame and mortification is making me hungry. I think I�ll fix myself a great big juicy cheeseburger! Oh wait, did I say �cheeseburger�? I meant �oatmeal�. I hate being broke.
May Day: Fuck broke. We deserve a cheeseburger after this.
Me: And some Freedom fries?
MayDay: Sigh.
Today�s Quiz: What Infamous Criminal Are You?
You are the Marquis Da Sade. Even stripped of
exaggerations, Your real life was as dramatic
and as tragic as a cautionary tale. Born to an
ancient and noble house, you were married
(against your wishes) to a middle-class heiress
for money, caused scandals with prostitutes and
with your sister-in-law, thus enraging your
mother-in-law, who had you imprisoned under a
lettre de cachet for 14 years until the
Revolution freed you. Amphibian, protean,
charming, you became a Revolutionary,
miraculously escaping the guillotine during the
Terror, only to be arrested later for
publishing your erotic novels. You spent your
final 12 years in the insane asylum at
Charenton, where you caused another scandal by
directing plays using inmates and professional
actors. You died there in 1814, virtually in
the arms of your teenage mistress.
You are a revolutionary deviant. I applaud you.
Which Imfamous criminal are you?
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I�m glad my mom�s not reading this. Dude, I�m so bad. I�m not just a criminal, I�m a French criminal!