Okay, first things first: I got my car back. Woo hoo! As it turns out, there was nothing wrong with it other than a stuck valve, which they subsequently replaced. Of course, on the invoice, it stated that they also washed the car as a ‘gesture of goodwill’, and I’m telling you right now that car was dirtier when I got it back than when it went in. So I choose to take what they say with a grain of salt. Or maybe a bag of salt.
Moving on to other business, what the fuck is everyone’s problem today? I swear I got honked at four times on the road on my way to work, and not for any good reason, either! Well, okay, one guy had a good reason to honk at me. Sort of. But the rest of these shitclowns need to take a purge! First I get honked at by some maniac as I’m pulling out of my building because he deemed it necessary to tear through my neighborhood at mach 5. Gee, sorry about being here, Speed Racer. Hope I’m not breathing any of your very own personal oxygen, either.
Then I got stuck behind a bunch of slow-ass drivers, and as I was trying to circumnavigate a Jetta going so slowly he could’ve gotten a fucking parking ticket -- I’m serious, y’all, pedestrians were passing this guy -- this school bus going 147,000 miles per hour in the next lane honked at me. At least I think he was honking. The sound was somewhat disguised by the sonic boom he caused as he tore a hole in the sound barrier. Then, of course, he didn’t end up passing me after all, because we all hit a red light and he had to stop. I didn’t actually see all the poor little school children go flying out of the windows when the nutbag driver stomped on the brake, but I was busy making conversation with an old lady riding along next to me in a personal mobility vehicle.
Then I hit this intersection where I had to take a right turn, and as I’m trying to do so, some jackass totally honked at me! Like, three times in rapid succession, which I think is actually on record as The Most Annoying Thing You Can Do On The Road Ever. Like, what is this, Bullitt? How fast do I have to take this turn, anyway? I’m sorry, but I’m not going to two-wheel it around this corner in order to make you happy, Rocket Man! And what’s with the three beeps on the horn? That’s just being an ass for the sake of being an ass.
And then there’s all these people calling today. Everyone needs to get laid, or something, because these assholes are all so damn cranky. Particularly this one dude who gets all impatient when I inform him that Miranda has a life beyond his stupid-ass needs. And now they’ve made me cranky, those shitheads!
Now, I didn’t call Serial like I was going to (again), but I have a valid excuse. May Day and I went to this nightclub in Studio City with some friends last night and had a really good time, but we were gone for a long time. I suppose if I was a bigger, more evolved person I’d have let the whole thing go by now. Or at least, you know, gotten the message (because I’m not an idiot, you guys). But I’m not more evolved. I’m petty and vindictive and I want my motherfucking book back.
See? I knew I was good at something.
