Date the Second is under my belt, now, and I am happy to report that it was truly a success. This came as quite a relief to me, given my ever-present fear of humiliating myself completely and irredeemably in front of those who hold me in their respect.
The Good
The evening began very well when he showed up at my apartment and I leant him a copy of the funniest book ever, before we headed to Santa Monica for dinner and a movie. That was just great for me, because it included my two favorite activities: eating and watching movies. Then he drove me back to my apartment, which was also nice. I guess it would have been pretty funny if he'd just been like, "Okay, bye," and left me standing there on the Promenade, but he's a gentleman.
So remember how I was all freaking out about the Kissing Timetable? And I was all afraid that I might think it was time when it wasn't? Well, I watched for the signs, and evidently Good Boys do indeed kiss on the second date. I think my tip-off that a kiss was coming was when he casually applied lip balm and popped open a box of Altoids. Of course, then I was nervous all over again because, dude, what if I kiss weird??? But it seems my worries in that arena were rather baseless. It was a very nice kiss, and he asked me to call him tonight. I'd like to just repeat the part about it being a very nice kiss, because that was my favorite part of the night.
The Bad
During dinner, I started noticing this peculiar knocking at the back of my brain. I finally decided to answer it, and who do you think it was? My insecurities, come to play merry hell with my good time.
I was listening as he told me a particularly amusing story about a road trip he took, and I suddenly started to worry...am I good enough for this guy? And I know that sounds gloomy and overwrought, but I couldn't help it. I'm about to turn 25, and I'm a total mess; what the hell am I thinking trying to involve somebody else in that? Is that irresponsible? Am I setting myself up for failure? More importantly, how is the full realization of my imperfections going to affect the way he sees me?
We're still getting to know each other, and I wonder if he doesn't realize that when I said I was a total spazz in high school, I never said I grew out of it. I'm still a spazz, and it worries me. I know I have a habit of making light of everything -- it's my way; it's how I deal with things -- but I'm constantly afraid that because of that, no one will ever take me seriously. This is going to sound so high school, but I worry that this guy is "cooler" than I am, and just hasn't hit upon that fact yet.
The Ugly
I've been to Hell. I went, I spent a year there, and I fought my way back by tooth and nail and any weapon at my disposal, because I hated it there. I spent that year confronting my fears and my insecurities, worried that I would never be able to defeat them, that I would always and forever be beholden to some ingrained need to mitigate all my successes with memories of my many failures, and I thought I'd beaten it. Now? I'm not so sure.
Despite my efforts to the contrary, I'm still the same kid I was in college. I've pretended to myself that I'm not, but it's true. I had a bunch of shitty friends in college who all treated me as pretty much negligible, and every day I still wonder if that was because they sucked...or if it was because I sucked.
I dated someone my senior year in college, and it seemed to be going very well. He also found my idiosynchrasies endearing, and he made me feel important -- something even my friends at the time didn't do. But that all went to shit seemingly overnight, at the worst possible time, and it hit me quite hard. I'm still afraid that the person doesn't exist who can tolerate my nervous tics without getting sick of me once and for all.
So, as you can see, I had a wonderful date last night, with a truly great guy, that ended in a beautiful kiss, and now I'm mitigating it all by revisiting all of my failures and shortcomings. What, am I fucking allergic to happiness?