So I rode to work on a swell of some bitterness today, which may or may not have been strictly warranted. Clyde and I were supposed to get together last night for the traditional Awkward Exchange Of Personal Effects And Attempts At Talking, and he backed out. This was, of course, his right, and I understand -- not that my understanding is necessary, but what I�m trying to say is that it isn�t his backing out that has me irked. What has me irked is his attitude about it. He�s determined to hate me for this, and I guess that�s his right, but he hasn�t figured out what his excuse is going to be yet, so he just kind of accuses me of stuff, trying to see what will come close enough to a fit. He says he�s not mad at me -- or rather, he barked he wasn�t mad at me in a really caustic and accusatory tone -- but I�m not buying it. I�m still not comfortable giving all the details, but I ended things because neither of us was fulfilled by the relationship and it was the right move to make. I�m sorry he can�t see that yet, but I get aggravated by his need to make me a villain in order to feel better. I understand it, because I�ve been there, but I�m not happy about it.
My reentry into singlehood hasn�t been quite as bumpy as that one time I totally freaked out and went on a serious downward spiral, or that other time I totally freaked out and went on a totally uncalled-for downward spiral, but it�s taking some getting used to. One thing I began to realize I�d done is make the unforgivable error of allowing my boyfriend to take me away from my other friends. I phrase it that way -- perhaps uncharitably, perhaps not -- due to the fact that it really was at his insistence that I spent the bulk of my time and energy dealing with �Us� rather than on �me�. To a degree, this is of couse logical and healthy (relationships don�t develop and grow unattended, after all), but it reached and surpassed the point where my friends� feelings were hurt by my neglect, and I have some work to do to make it up to them. I�m trying to spend a lot of time with my nearest and dearest now, but I also feel a bit like I�m asking them to suddenly revert back to the way things were, now that I�m single and lonely again, and that�s not fair.
It�s weird having the evenings wide open again. I�m sort of at a loss for what to do with myself, quite frankly. I�ve watched some TV, done some personal errands, and caught up with friends and family, but it�s still odd. I�ve also never really been in this situation before, where the split was primarily my decision, and so the emptiness of my shedule is greeted with mixed emotions. I mean, I still care about Clyde and miss certain aspects of our relationship -- if I could just say he�s an asshole and have done with it, moving on would be a much less doleful experience -- but there�s a certain element of possibility that has been returned to my life, which is exciting.
It�s odd to be coming out of a relationship and not feel devastated, frankly, which sounds kind of perverse. I�m confident that I made the right choice for both of us, for a million reasons I can�t disclose, but there�s still an empty spot right now that is only represented by my rediscovered free time. I�m not ready to move on immediately, because there is still some closure needed, but I really am kind of optimistic about the change.
I allowed myself one �Get Drunk To Get Over It� night, which was last Friday, and came to a discovery unrelated to my relationship woes: my alcohol tolerance has really plummeted. After one and a half martinis, I wasn�t wasted? But I was sooooo sleepy. I came home and made myself some toast and a big glass of water, and then retired to my boudoir. Three hours later, I woke up face down on the floor of my boudoir, with carpet tread all over my torso, a mouth full of crumbs, and a half-eaten piece of toast lying similarly face down on the floor beside me. I remembered being extremely tired, and my eyes sort of sliding open and closed as I�d watched TV and munched on the toast, but I didn�t recall the decision I�d clearly made to turn the television off, or the moments preceding my decision to just sort of drop the toast and go night-night.
This is not to say that there won�t be other nights and other reasons to get drunk and fall asleep half-naked on my bedroom floor, but hopefully I won�t be doing it with a mouthful of toast next time.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: sorority fuck I�m Watching: Clueless, which I have recently remembered is one of the best movies ever made. I�m Reading: Reading? What�s that?