� Memoirs of an Evil Genius �
Conquering the World, One Martini at a Time |
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� Book 'Em, Dr. No �
11:31 a.m., 2003-05-29
Wow. So, both Dolly and Miranda are in pissy moods today. Right now that�s fine, because they�re both directing it at each other, but give them a little bit of time and I�m sure they�ll find a way to take it out on me. For my part, I�m just enjoying the show. Both the one going on behind me in the office, and the one going on outside the office, in front of the water, where this crazy woman is wandering back and forth and talking about legal proceedings and whatnot. I can�t actually see if there�s anyone seated in the area to which she�s speaking, but I fully suspect not. She�s got some cool shoes, though. I haven�t seen platforms like that since my parents took me to the circus when I was ten. She�s like 100 feet tall in those things. Oh, hey! Ben and J.Lo are selling the rights to their wedding photos! I�m sorry, but that just seems�distasteful. Of course, the whole thing seems distasteful, doesn�t it? Them getting married, I mean. He and Matt always made such a cute couple. So yesterday, Heather and I had a discourse in which we decided some very important things about my next masterwork of literary genius. First off, I will be writing six different novels, which will all consist of the same words, just arranged differently. To wit: Dr. No: �This book is dedicated to Heather, for her inspiration.�
Dr. No: �This dedication is Heathered to book, for her this.�
Heather: �This Heather is booked to dedicate. Inspire her.�
Dr. No: �Heathered inspiration is dedicated to this. Book �em, Dan-o!�
Heather: �My cat smells like kitty litter. Heather?�
Dr. No: Hee! �You really found the Matrix to this book. Heather
Dr. No: ?�
Dr. No: whoops.
Heather: �Whoops! Heather?� Eventually, as the dedication got more and more convoluted, we realized it would pretty much need its own entire section in the book.Dr. No: Chapter One: The Dedication
Heather: It�s brilliant! Your whole book should be shit like this. Chapter Two: The Author�s Note�; Chapter Three: The Foreword; Chapter Four: A Note From the Author�s Editor; Chapter Five: The Table of Contents; Chapter Six: Glossary of Key Terms & Concepts; Chapter Seven: The Prologue; Chapter Eight: The story; Chapter Nine: Acknowledgments & Appendices
Dr. No: Chapter Ten: Footnotes; Chapter Eleven: What�s With All the Footnotes?
Heather: Chapter Twelve: Appendix to Footnotes
Dr. No: Chapter Thirteen: Thirteen is Unlucky, Ergo There is No Chapter Thirteen; Chapter Fourteen: Appendix to Chapter Thirteen
Heather: Chapter Fifteen: My Photograph
Dr. No: Chapter Sixteen: A Receipt I Found In My Pants After I Did the Laundry
Heather: Chapter Seventeen: Menu
Dr. No: Chapter Eighteen: Who Moved My Cheese? Chapter Nineteen: No, Seriously, You Bitches�My Cheese Was Right Here a Minute Ago! So you should all keep your eyes peeled, because it�s totally going to hit the shelves any day now. I mean, I just have to, like, write it, and get an agent, and a publisher, and whatever, but then it�s going to be all over that New York Times bestseller list. Watch out, Barbara Kingsolver!Anyway, that�s the straight dope on me for now. If all things go as planned, I�ll be in a caffeine-induced state of nirvana by lunch. Of course, that would require me to actually spend money on some kind of caffeinated beverage, and we all know how that money thing goes. Which is to say, quickly, and away from my bank account. Okay, peace be with you, my brethren. I�m going to sit over here, eat my Doritos, and take notes about the ethics involved in various legal procedures, such as divorce and foreclosure. Go, Platform Lady, go! Today�s Quiz: What Type Of Wild Creature Are You?
WHAT TYPE OF WILD CREATURE ARE YOU? (New Pictures!)
brought to you by QuizillaStrangely enough, I believe that�s supposed to be complimentary. Someone Got Here By Searching For: mom�s anal adventure [Perhaps the most horrifying combination of words ever.] And: eating lots of lettuce I�m Watching: Justice League -- how did I get addicted to a superhero cartoon at my age? I�m Eating: The new Guacamole Doritos, and they�re actually really, really good!
� 2005 by Dr. No, all rights reserved; you break it, you buy it.
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