You could have cut the tension with a knife. Or maybe a fork, or a sharp spoon, or one of those little wooden paddles that Baskin Robbins uses to give you free samples of their delicious Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream (and I understand they use it for their other flavors as well, but I�m quite partial to that Chocolate Peanut Butter stuff, myself). The point is that there was a lot of tension in the air. We were all gathered around, screaming out things like, �Go Delilah!� and �Move your Darwinian ass, you stupid boxed lizard-thing!�
See, the plan last night was to go home after work, eat some crappy food and pop in a DVD or whatever. Instead, May Day and I ended up getting drunk with cute English boys at a turtle race.
No, seriously! We were invited out by a friend to entertain the brother of a friend and his four friends, all from the UK, who were in town because they won some trip and needed someone to show them the sights. So, obviously, we took them turtle racing. Actually, they asked to go turtle racing. To be fair, they were already half in the bag by the time we got to their hotel. I�m telling you, those cute English boys can really put it away! From about 9:00 on, it was all beer and Skittles, and British-slangy convos about �getting pissed� and �taking the piss� and �pissing off�. What is it with British people and the verb �to piss�, anyway?
Incidentally, I probably just tripled my Google hits. It�s a little disturbing how many people stumble across this site by doing urine-related word searches on Google.
Anyway, we ended up at this bar that�s evidently notorious for its turtle races, and proceeded to have a rollicking good time. Since I ended up having to skip that all-important evening ritual known as �dinner�, it didn�t take much for me to get buzzed. Soon, I was standing by the turtle tanks and offering my expert advice to potential turtle racers:
Me Pick one of the little ones -- look how feisty they are!Random Girl: Shouldn�t I pick one of the bigger ones? Aren�t they stronger?
Me: Well, stronger, sure, and lazier. Look at that gigantor turtle back there! He looks like a planet with legs, and he�s moving about as fast, too!
Girl: Actually, you know, planets move at a tremendous rate. If you think about how far they�
Me: Who are you, Copernicus? Shut up! Pick a little one!
Girl: Do most people pick little ones?
Me: How the shit do I know?
Girl: You don�t work here?
Me: Hell no. I�m just drunk.
I�m pleased to say that one guy I assisted actually won two races with his turtle. Admittedly, his turtle moved about as quickly as the plot of Vanilla Sky (which is to say: barely), but seeing as the two opposing turtles were more or less dead, he still won.So, after much ado about turtles, I ended up being the killjoy that broke up the party. Chiefly, that was because I had to, you know, get up and work today. So we left, and May Day and I headed home at about 2:00 in the morning. It soon became apparent that May Day was, as those cute English boys put it so delicately, totally, totally pissed.
May Day: THANK YOU FOR DRIVING. I DRINK I�M THUNK. OR SOMETHING.Me: I drink you�re thunk, too.
May Day: Methinks I need something to drink when we get home. Like watery something.
Me: Water would be good�
May Day: OR DIET COKE!
Me: That would also�
May Day: I LOVE DIET COKE! Can we go to 7-11?
Me: Okay, sure.
May Day: Yay! Thank you! Thank you for driving! I love you!
Me: I love you, too.
May Day: Can you shift if I hug your shoulder like this?
Me: We�ll find out, won�t we?
May Day: DIET COKEY COKEY DRINKY COKE! Whee! Oops.
Me: What? Wait, what oops? No �oops� in my car!
So I didn�t get to bed till almost 4:00am, and I woke up feeling about like you�d expect (ie -- close to death). So I sucked down a big thing o� coffee, and I am now wired like Robocop. I mean, I�m more jittery than the Unabomber, here. My eyes are more open than�I don�t know, than Colin Farrell�s relationships.Oh, and I�m getting a new mouse pad today! I ordered one back when I ordered the new mouse, but they sent me a wrist rest for the keyboard instead. So today? I�m getting a mouse pad. Woooo!
