I need the following:
a) A haircut
b) A job
c) Internet access
d) A little clarity
e) Okay, a LOT of clarity
f) To file for unemployment without it turning into a week-long event
g) An �clair
Okay, technically I don�t need that last one, but I believe it would make everything else seem a little more manageable if I could stuff my face with calories first. I actually hopped on the scale the other day and it told me I�d lost 32 pounds in the last month. Just between you and me? For that to actually be the case, I�d have had to have gotten organs and limbs removed (or possibly to have weighed myself on Pluto), which I did not, so it�s clear the scale I used was wrong. However, I don�t mind using it as an excuse for some calorie-stuffing. Seriously, I have no idea what the hell is going on with that scale, though. I wonder if that same company manufactures a mirror that would make me look like Josh Long?
It�s been a long week. As you might have guessed from the list (and from my last entry), I am now officially unemployed. Mob-Affiliated Reality Show has closed its doors, at least for the time being. They are trying to sell it to another network, and my fingers are crossed in the hopes that they can get it off the ground. It�s truly a hilarious concept, and is extremely well executed, but it is also very much the kind of show that survives solely on premium cable channels, so we�ll see how much luck they have. Sigh. Breaks my heart.
On Saturday, I had a lot of drinks, a lot of awkward conversations, and a lot of gun pointed at my head. My friend Lana planned this all-night party-cum-fundraiser to get some cash flowing for the upcoming Susan G. Koman Foundation Breast Cancer Walkathon, in which she plans to participate. The bars (yes, plural) where she planned this event to occur were all in my neighborhood, so I walked and planned on getting a bit soused.
I got a bit soused. More soused than I anticipated, actually, because I had budgeted myself very carefully for the night, not taking into consideration the kindness of strangers who like to see you get more soused than necessary. Anyway, after the bars closed down, Lana wanted everyone to go back to her place for an after party. On the way there, Clyde and I passed this abandoned apartment building, at which juncture he suddenly expressed his desire to get frisky inside of it.
Please remember that I was drunk, so my judgment was rather impaired when I said, �Sure, why the hell not?� So there we are, getting frisky in the underground garage of an abandoned apartment building, when we see spotlights come on and hear people approaching. The Frisky wasn�t that far along (thank God), so we ducked out a side door and all accouterments were necessarily adjusted before we had to duck back in again and face the music. Imagine my surprise when what I found myself facing was a gun barrel, pointed at me by a rather twitchy looking policeman who must have assumed we were conducting a drug deal or some shit like that.
They asked what we were doing in there, and of course I gave him this bullshit answer about wanting to check out the floor plan of the apartment building because of how cool it looked, and then he asked the $64,000 question: �Do you want to be arrested for trespassing?� Um...no? I should have said, �Wait, can I think about it?� or, like, paused for a really long time and then been all, �Could you repeat the question?� After replying to this in the negative, we were then asked if we�d been �messing around� in there. Of course I was shocked�shocked!�by the very suggestion, and told him so. And then we were free to go.
The after party was kind of lame, because there were like five people there and I didn�t know any of them, but at least I had a great story to open with!
Someone Got Here By Searching For: mariah carey �ankle brace� I�m Watching: 24. Can they kill Audrey next? Please? I�m Reading: Trace, by Patricia Cornwell. I feel like I�m becoming disconnected from her books as the saga progresses, but I�m still a little captivated by the workings of her mind.