I suppose now would be as good a time as any to make with the obligatory post-Oscar report. I�m sad to say that there were very few surprises this year (i.e., none), and yet I still managed only to nab second place in my Oscar pool. Damn you, song from Motorcycle Diaries! Who knew that would beat out Phantom of the Opera?
While we�re on the topic of the songs, though, does Beyonc� have Gil Cates�s children chained up in her basement, or something? Why did she get to sing three of the five nominated songs, when, you know, she didn�t sing any of them in the actual movies? And what was with the creepy Lime-ade, jaundice-yellow eyeshadow from her first performance? I mean, I think Beyonc� is a talented enough singer, and she�s certainly gorgeous, but seriously! I half expected her to just start walking up on stage and accepting everyone�s awards for them, like, �I want to thank my agent for promising his children to Hades in return for this opportunity!�
Of course, that�s assuming that the award in question would actually be one where people got to go up stage at all. What the hell was that, I�d like to know? Making people walk up to some floating microphone in the audience and half-ass some kind of thank you speech in their allotted twelve seconds before the orchestra starts shutting them up. Heather addressed this issue, of course, but I kept hoping that at the last second, someone would come to their senses and realize just exactly how thoroughly insulting that shit is. I mean, it�s one thing to be the winner for �achievement in sound mixing for an animated short documentary� (or whatever) and to sense that most of the people at large don�t really care because they didn�t see your project or even understand what �sound mixing� is, but it�s quite another for some executive to tell you to keep your uninteresting and not-famous ass in the audience like some kind of second-class citizen because nobody at large really cares. I mean, for some of those people, this is the moment of a lifetime, and they have to spend it in the back of a crowded audience, talking into a floating mic stand like it�s a town hall meeting and they�re asking the Water Board to explain about the new conservation policy.
However, I still feel like those people are luckier than the ones who were made to line up on stage before the winner was announced, like on American Idol, so that the four losers standing right next to them didn�t even have a chance to preserve a little dignity by having their dreams crushed in their seats. Maybe the working theory behind this particular move was to raise the emotional stakes, or something, but really it was just embarrassing. It�s like there�s a slow leak in the Oscars, and all the class is just slipping right on out.
On the other hand, Chris Rock was a very refreshing change of pace, in re: the host situation. I mean, I�ve always liked Billy Crystal as an actor, but I was getting real tired his hosting schtick. It seemed like every other year they�d try somebody new and different (but still old and non-threatening), and then they�d go right back to Billy Crystal the next year. I hope they either stick with Chris Rock, or pick some other comedian who is also tapped into the youth zeitgeist. At the very least, it makes viewing more enjoyable for me, and I am clearly all that matters here.
And now? Clothes. Personally, I thought Emmy Rossum was gorgeous, even though she and Ren�e Zellweger were wearing practically the same dress. I thought Charlize Theron...well, I don�t know what was going on with her hair (seriously, was that jehri curl?) but the bodice on her dress made her boobs look cross-eyed. Halle Berry looked smashing, despite the fact that her dress was almost exactly what she wore to the Golden Globes, minus the weird boob thing, so a vast improvement there. And, really, that�s about all I noticed in the way of clothes. That�s what I get for skipping the red carpet business.
So I think it�s time for me to wrap up the report. Let�s see: I talked about the changes to the ceremony, about Beyonc�, the clothes, and Chris Rock...what am I forgetting? Oh, right�the awards. Blah blah, what-the-fuck-ever, Million Dollar Baby, yada yada. Okay, there, I�m done. Hang loose, y�all.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: buy gooey saliva I�m Watching: 24 from last week. Dating had put me all kinds of behind in my TV viewing. And: Cursed. Okay, not a good movie, really, but damn entertaining.