Well, it was a long weekend, y�all. Friday was May Day�s birthday, and a whole group of us went out for a high-priced, but delicious meal of traditional Moroccan fare. It really was a spectacular meal, and the ambience of the restaurant was singularly awesome, but the waitress was some sort of android that would roll by our table periodically and recite her �Welcome to the fine Moroccan establishment� shtick with the same enthusiasm of a person reading from an eye chart, until the end of the meal when she turned into a cantankerous yatch and gave us all hell for leaving her a measly tip of $60.
Whatever. Saturday was my friend Teresa�s birthday, and we went to dinner at a place in Hollywood, where I somehow managed to lose my wallet. Again. Some more. I have no idea where it went, but when I got up to settle my bill (okay, not really. I got up to wander past a table down the row where some friends of Natalie�s were sitting with a woman who looked like Diane Farr of Loveline fame, and I wanted to see if it was really her. Incidentally, it was.) I discovered that my wallet was missing.
Now, I know what you�re thinking. Well, not exactly, but I can imagine. You�re all, �Um�what kind of idiot are you, that you lost your wallet for the second time?� But listen: there are circumstances! See, a week ago on Friday, we were out to dinner with friends, and I noticed my wallet absent from my pants (and this was immediately after I got it back from the trash dude). I turns out it had dropped out of my pocket somehow, and was just underneath my chair. Dude, this wallet just doesn�t want to hang out with me.
So I searched the bench I was sitting on, I searched the floor, I flirted with the manager (not to find my wallet, but just for fun), and finally, I realized it was just�gone. So everyone assumes I just left it at home. Well, I didn�t. So I had to call and have all my damn credit cards cancelled, again (and I only just had them reactivated on fucking Thursday, y�all), plus I now have to call the fuzz and report my ID missing so they can bust the punk-ass prep school kid who buys it in MacArthur park for $600. Ha! That little asswipe won�t know what happened, they�re gonna haul his freshly broke ass off so fast! I also had to go into the bank and switch my account, which means all those checks I ordered last week are pretty much worthless. Fortunately, the bank is paying for a whole batch of new ones, free of charge, because I�m apparently saving them the hassle of dealing with forgery and shit. Whatever. Free checks make me happy.
The other thing I�m going to have to do now is make another fucking trip back to the DMV, which is where I lived for the first month I was out here. I always knew the DMV and I weren�t through. You know, when I walked out the door back in October, clutching my license plates in my hot little hand, I looked over my shoulder and I just knew. It was watching me. It was as if the building itself was mocking me, chuckling evilly and saying, �You�ll be back. Oh yes, you�ll be back.� And damn if it wasn�t right. Fucking DMV.
Oh, the other thing I did this weekend was go purchase some witch hazel at the grocery store. I couldn�t find any, though, so I had to ask someone for some help. And I went up and asked in a very normal tone of voice, �Do you guys have any witch hazel?� And it�s not like I was asking for Preparation H, or some kind of particularly embarrassing prophylactic or something, but I don�t need everyone in the entire store to know what I�m doing, so I just kind of asked in a quiet voice.
This guy�s all, �WITCH HAZEL? WHAT�S THAT?� and this crowd of people stops what they�re doing and turn to look. So I�m like, quietly, �It�s an astringent. It�s sort of like rubbing alcohol.� And he turns around and goes, �HEY EDDIE! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF WITCH HAZEL?� And some lady I�ve never met before chimes in, all, �WITCH HAZEL?? SURE! THAT�S AN ASTRINGENT! LIKE RUBBING ALCOHOL! JUST LIKE HE SAID!� And Eddie�s like, �YEAH, WE�VE GOT SOME. It�s over near the EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS.�
So that was fun. Incidentally, I just doubled my google hits for the week, I think.
Well. That�s incredibly cheerful.
