Help! Seriously, you guys, send help! My will power has taken a total leave of absence, in the wake of which a mountain of Valentine�s Day candy has decided to muscle in on its turf. I am left powerless to defend myself! Heart-shaped cookies! Chocolate truffles! Candy hearts! Well, okay, not so much the candy hearts (yarf), but the other ones for sure.
Coincidentally, the fastest way to ruin a perfectly decent piece of Belgian chocolate? Set it, exposed, in a jar full of those SweetTart hearts for a few days, and it comes out tasting like one of those Flintstones vitamins. I mean, don�t get me wrong, I love those, but�I don�t want my chocolate tasting like it should be represented by a big, cartoon toucan, you know?
Other things I�m powerless against include (but are by no means limited to) strong coffee, my brother�s wily sense of humor, the Food Network, Ryan Phillippe, Sophie�s tireless crusade to occupy my every waking minute with thoughts of work, to the point where I not only dream about my job, but the dreams themselves actually become encoded into my genetic material, so that in future generations my posterity will awake screaming in the night, terrified of The Loop, and lastly (but not leastly), the crushing tide of singlehood.
Not that I actually have a problem with singlehood, necessarily, I just feel, as do many others, that it would be nice to enjoy a meaningful relationship with someone who seeks to gratify your sexual urges every once in a while. If by �once in a while� you mean �morning and evening, and sometimes afternoons, if you can take a long lunch break�, which I do.
Now is the time of year when we are encouraged by the confectionery industry and the FTD to place ourselves in the far more commercially lucrative subcategory of �in a relationship�. Those of us clearly maladjusted human beings who cannot, do not, or are unable to for any reason are similarly exhorted to reflect upon our abject social impairment through the therapeutic process of buying ourselves candy and flowers. I am actually in favor of this plan, since I love me some candy, and do not feel scarred by being one of the sole surviving witnesses to the mass carnage wrought by Cupid�s arrow.
As I�ve said before in this space, Valentine�s Day does not fill me with bitterness towards my coupled compatriots. Either way, I fully intend to celebrate with a mouthful of chocolate, and for that reason cannot say anything too depreciative about it. Plus which, if I�m going to feel like a big fat loser for not having a boyfriend, I don�t need February 14th to be the catalyst that makes me do it, thank you very much.
I don�t feel like a big, fat loser (thanks for asking), but I do feel as though it would be nice to share a little love (and a lot of chocolate), so for all y�all singles out there�won�t you be my Valentine?
You don�t have to decide right away, of course. Take your time and think it over, I can wait.
You have 24 hours before I do something crazy.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: bound and gagged flight attendant [?] And: "fuck it all" [!] I�m Watching: Chocolat, for obvious reasons. This Week�s Hero: My sister. Well, my sister has kinda always been my hero, but for reasons too innumerable to count, she takes this week�s prize in spades.