� Memoirs of an Evil Genius �
Conquering the World, One Martini at a Time

� The Calm Before the Tempest �
3:31 p.m., 2005-11-04

I have finally grown up, y�all. I mean, proportionately speaking. Like, I�ve actually given some thought lately to what a scary world it would be to suddenly leave LA and move back home where my friends from high school are all married and baby-having and stuff. I do feel like I�m approaching a place where I�d be mature enough to handle parenthood (given the appropriate surrounding circumstances�i.e., not anytime soon), but to think that by going home I would leave the comfortable majority become, like, a spinster overnight (what�s a male spinster called?) kind of weirds me out.

Anyway, um�wait, what was I saying? Oh! Growing up�so, okay, even though I�m not �married� or �ready to support a family�, there are little indications that I�m finally about to leave my irresponsible adolescence behind, once and for all. For example, I own a car, right? And I (sometimes) apply for and obtain jobs on my own merit, and I have over time gained proficiency in certain areas I had only dreamed of as a child (I know my way around the kitchen, y�all, and I can tell you what kind of wine to serve with that chicken you learned how to make in college)(Pinot Grigio), and I am now about to embark on my first ever romantic getaway!

I don�t want to spill too many details for fear of jinxing anything (and you never know who may be reading this thing�I�m looking at you, Shadow Government), but suffice it to say I�ve been looking forward to this for a while. There really are very few �plans� as such, beyond accommodations and one or two activities in mind (out of the gutter, folks), but it promises to be fun, relaxing, and romantic. Just me and what�s-his-name.

I�ll need the �relaxing�, too, because next week promises to be bumpy, stressful, and exhilarating, which could be good, bad, or both. See, my sister Tempest is coming to visit. For a week. That moniker is not accidental, folks�where my sister goes, a maelstrom of turbulent emotion is sure to follow. Without badmouthing her, she is boisterous, commanding, and just a wee touch high-maintenance. The combination can be great for people who are laid-back and possessed of a more accommodating nature�she�s always got a legion of hangers-on that gravitate into her orbit�but she�s also the kind of person for whom it is generally her way, or no way, and she�ll move heaven and earth both to ensure the former option.

My trepidation comes from the fact that she�s also got kind of a legendary temper, and is kind of hard to predict. We�ve butted heads only once in the past, though famously (well, famously within the family), and I�m possibly her least-favorite target, but�I�m possessed of only a marginally accommodating nature, y�all. In case you hadn�t figured that out. It�s unlikely that conflict will arise between us because she hasn�t got any bone to pick with me and I�m not a confrontational sort, but if it does (remember the unpredictable?) I�m sure as hell not going to back down, and I can promise you that J.Lo will win an Oscar� before Tempest does.

I�m getting worried over something that hasn�t happened yet, I realize, but if I�m to be honest, there�s more to this story than I�m comfortable publishing. In any event, crossed fingers would be greatly appreciated, just in case.

Failing that, I�m planning on stocking up on the wine during Ulrich�s and my getaway, and I�m not afraid to anesthetize my way through next week.

Someone Got Here By Searching For: gael garcia bernal gay gossip I�m Watching: Well, I haven�t watched it yet, but I just bought the original The Spiral Staircase, which I�ve been wanting to see since I was in high school, and I�m tremendously excited about it. I�m Reading: Almost done with White Hot, and aside from some kind of embarrassingly described sex scenes, it�s been really good!

A Year Ago, I Said:

The worst part is that she�ll frame these pictures and give them to me as gifts, so I feel like an asshole if I make any kind of comment like, �Gee, thanks, Tori! I love how my shirt in this photo really brings out the veins in my neck.�

Worst Face Scenario
11-4-2004

� 2005 by Dr. No, all rights reserved; you break it, you buy it.



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