As I sit here at my desk, time creeping irrecoverably forward, and stare at the paperwork eddying about me, settling in drifts here and there around the office, I find that apathy has gained a toehold on me. And then quickly worked its whole foot in, and begun doing selections from Riverdance all over the "responsibility" sector of my brain. I still feel obligated to get my work done (at least to an extent), but all the rhythmic stomping has driven the air out of a previously held desire to get it done well.
I should begin at the beginning. Or, more to the point, I should begin with Tuesday afternoon when I went into Sophie�s office and handed in my notice, informing her that I planned to work through the end of the month so I could close out the campaigns I�m currently heading-up, but would thereafter immediately be vacating the premises like a rat from the proverbial sinking ship. I guess if I were to employ a more apropos metaphor, I should say, �Like the lead sled dog breaking free and running off into the wilderness, to answer the Call of the Wild�. Of course, The Call of the Wild ended with the dog going insane or freezing to death or something (I can�t exactly recall, but it was a Jack London novel, and all of his books end with insanity and/or death by hypothermia)(either for the characters or the reader), and I�d like to keep hope alive that neither will happen to me, but you get the idea.
Anyway, the process went fairly smoothly -- Sophie told me she figured it was coming sooner or later, and I told her I figured she�d figured -- and then�that was it. No fanfare of trumpets, no unfurling of banners, no choir of angels or similar. Just�the rest of the day, stretching out ahead of me like a really long road to nowhere. I had my momentary, "What the hell did I just do? I quit my job! What was I thinking!?" freakout, but by the end of the day I was back in my comfort zone, knowing that in choosing to leave Arts-Friendly, I�d made the right decision, no matter what comes next.
The decision itself has been percolating in my mind for a few months now, ever since I realized that all the things I�d set out to accomplish were slowly being swallowed whole by a job I�d taken only to pay the bills. For a while, this job really was my sanctuary, and I cherished it for that. In battling depression and hollowness, insecurity and self-doubt, I was able to lose myself in a job that demanded every scrap of me, that inserted itself into my life and swelled to fill every corner. Now that I don�t feel I need it anymore for the escape, I instead feel trapped by the ever-rising tide of responsibilities and the anchor of an abysmal paycheck that hasn�t fluctuated a penny since I started this job as a temp, two-thirds of my current job description ago.
There are things about this job that I will most assuredly miss, though. Not Circe and Sally, of course, but definitely Tony, China, Shirley, and even Carla will hold a place in my heart. I�ll also miss Sophie for the numerous things she taught me, by instruction and example, about confidence and accountability. Thanks to this job, I discovered that the borders I had previously used to demarcate the bounds of my abilities were mismarked. Thanks to Sophie, I was able to take a stand against The Man and my cellular provider, two things I couldn�t do as recently as two years ago. Thanks to Sophie, I�m no longer afraid to say �no� or to put my foot down in defense of myself, and frankly, it is in indirect thanks to her that I had the courage to tell her face to face that I was leaving, without feeling guilty about it.
I have learned many lessons from my time at Arts-Friendly, and all of them I value very highly. That being said, the most important lesson I learned was that this is not the place for me.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: mariah carrie�s feet I�m Watching: The Amazing Race. I know I shouldn�t giggle about how Colin is apparently going to tell Christie that he hates her next week, but the way that he whimpers about it like a little girl just cracks me up. I�m Reading: Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, and it�s hilarious.