To kick things off, I�d first like to give you all a little weather report for the Los Angeles area. It�s cold, gray, rainy, and overcast, and has been pretty much since Saturday afternoon. And I? Love it. It reminds of home back in the dreary Midwest, where it isn�t so damn bright and cheerful all the time. The only downside is trying to drive on the highway when it rains in LA, because a lot of people seem to think it�s The Day After Tomorrow or something, and go about six miles per hour, practically leaving their hazard lights on, just in case. Frankly, I actually prefer them to the other type of rainy day driver you might encounter: Guy Who Doesn�t Understand The Phrase �Slippery When Wet�. That guy is scary, y�all.
But enough about the weather. Let�s talk about crazy, unwashed, drunken, food-thieving, personal-space invaders! By which I mean, my evening from last Friday. See, there�s this restaurant on the Promenade where you can get sushi for half-price every night, if you sit at the sushi bar. Being a huge fan of both sushi and the modifier �half-price�, I thought to myself there could be no better place to have a leisurely Friday dinner. The factor I did not count on, as it turns out, was the loathsome Human Element.
Why the hell do people suck so bad? Don�t they know how much it makes you not want them to exist anymore? I don�t get that. You�d think that, at a certain point, people would be like, �Gee, I�m really aggressive with strangers who clearly wish to be left alone, and who in fact pointedly hold an open books between their faces and mine, ostensibly so they can simultaneously read and ignore my repeated attempts to disturb their concentration. Maybe I should just shut up and mind my own for a while, like this individual here whose privacy I�m currently disrespecting!� But, no. People never clue in like that. I�m beginning to think it�s too much to hope they ever will. You would need to carry around a blinking red neon sign reading DO NOT DISTURB to get that point across. Of course I mean to imply you would have to use the sign to hit these people, because I assure you they would not be reading it, or assuming the message in any way applied to them.
Anyway. I went into this restaurant, and at the sushi bar there was but one seat left open. Of course it was all the way at the end of the counter, sandwiched between the wall and another chair like the filling in an Oreo, but if I didn�t sit there, I wouldn�t get my sushi half-off, so clearly my hands were tied. Politely, I asked the shaggy-haired woman in the neighboring seat if it was free, and she looked up at me with a pair of eyes that were more glazed than an ashtray made in a 3rd-grade art class and said, �It is now!� It was only then that I realized she was eating a big, steaming bowl of Crazy.
Admittedly, I should have known right then and there what I walking into, but I was too hungry to care, and took a seat. She proceeded to introduce herself, which entailed the shaking of her hand (which had quite obviously not been wrapped around a bar of soap any time in recent history) and then began babbling at me about what she was drinking (sake, and lots of it), what I should order (not spicy tuna), and how pretty I was (soooo pretty). I did my best to minimize our interaction, but not because I was judging her. Frankly, unless it�s a really hot boy, I don�t generally like it when strangers of any sort pester the shit out me, regardless of how drunk/sober, washed/unwashed, crazy/sane they are.
At any rate, I opted for a California Roll and two shrimp nigiri, which arrived in front of me in practically no time. Just as I was readying my chopsticks, I could sense more than I could see Crazy�s one mental wheel start turning. Before you could say, �Oh no she di-in�t,� she reached her unwashed hand across my person, snatched a shrimp from one of my two nigiri, stuffed it into her mouth, and then tossed the chewed up tail back on my plate with a grunted, �That doesn�t taste like nothin�. I wouldn�t pay for that.� Along with numerous other sentiments, many of them not fit for print, I wanted to scream at her, �YOU�RE NOT GOING TO, BECAUSE IT WAS MY DAMN FOOD!� I also sincerely wanted to bury my chopstick in her forearm, but restrained myself admirably on both counts. Largely due to being in shock, but still.
I could think of no constructive response to that rather aggressive act that wouldn�t have resulted in my incarceration, so I just proceeded to pretty much eat everything in front of me in one bite, in order to avoid possibly being driven to homicide. Also, please bear in mind that my problems with food thieves has already been documented in this space. Clearly, if I have a problem with people I know who take without asking, you can only imagine what registered on the Richter scale of my personal indignation Friday night.
It was an extremely traumatic experience, y�all, and it almost ruined food for me. Again, I ask, why do people suck so bad?
Someone Got Here By Searching For: susan powter big girls I�m Watching: The Women, which is really pretty witty, if you can keep up with the dialogue. And: Reality footage. Lots and lots of reality footage.