Tomorrow (or rather, in a few hours) I will be leaving once again for my Holiday vacation with the parents! Usually I use the word �vacation� in the sense of just that escape from the everyday, but if you think about it, under that rhetoric, drinking so much you can�t remember where you live could also be classified as a vacation. But that�s not what I plan to be doing with the parents. At least, not this year. No, this time we have an actual vacation planned.
But I�m getting ahead of myself. In fact, if I turned around, I�d probably see that I tripped in a gopher hole a ways back and am lying spread-eagle in the dirt, just like what happened to J.Lo when she was filming the video for that one song where she�s dancing on the postcard, or whatever. Did you guys see that Making the Video episode? It was kind of awesome. J.Lo just goes running across the beach in her stupid high-heel shoes, like, who does that? And then, of course, she totally took a digger into the sand, going down in a blaze of glory, all hair and platform shoes, and had to be taken to the hospital because she sprained her ankle. No, seriously, I�m not making that shit up! Anyway, that�s what happened to me, in a metaphorical sense.
In a more literal sense, I�m exhausted, because it�s going on five o�clock in the morning, I just �finished� packing (I put that in sarcastic quotes because, if I know me, I�ll get home and realize all my underwear is still in L.A.), and I have to be at the airport in about six hours. So let me get this show on the road. Anyway, I�m going home for one week with the family and friends, and then on Christmas Day, we�re flying out to hang with my Jewish grandmother (as you do), and then on to a family reunion for the rest of that week. Then I�m coming back.
I always get anxious the day before I fly. This used to be due to my crippling fear of airplanes, which are enormous and extremely heavy and I have no idea how they stay in the air, so every time I�m in one and we hit turbulence, I�m turning around and screaming at the other passengers, �Think happy thoughts! Happy thoughts, people!� Well, I�m either screaming that or, �Bring me those little bottles of vodka! Now!� In any event, airplanes used to scare me. And still do, kind of. I mean, anything that�s the size of a brontosaurus and can fly? Kind of scares me.
But my nerves are more like the Christmas Eve jitters, where you know something exciting is just around the corner. I mean, going home for the holidays is always a mixed bag, but it�s great to see everyone. This particular year kind of snuck up on me, though. I was really on top of things when Thanksgiving rolled around! I�d been packing for two and a half weeks before I left for that trip. I left no stone unturned, and no item unpacked. I don�t know if it�s because this trip has come so hot on the heels of my last one, or what, but I didn�t have any time, or any freaking clue what I was doing. Packing basically amounted to me scooping clothes out of my dresser and dumping them into the nearest open container. I�ll probably get home with three shopping bags full of socks, an old pair of shorts, and a T-shirt that says �Camp Middleton� on it. But I�ll figure out a way to work it.
So anyway, I�ll try to update while I�m home, and to keep you guys updated on my various shenanigans; I�m sure Pussy Galore and I will get into plenty of trouble, and the denizens of the No family will provide countless tales of humor and horror (separately and convergently, no doubt), but hopefully I�ll be keeping a little busier than last time. Not that I�m knocking last time totally, but�knock knock, last time.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: sick children porno [I�m not even going to break down the horrible grammar of that statement.] I�m Watching: An infomercial for Proactiv Solution. Late night TV is thrilling. All I Want For Christmas Is: Some sleep.