Can someone please explain to me what Paris Hilton�s appeal is? Seriously. I really want to know! And I know I�ve talked about this very same subject before, but since she made a cameo last night on Veronica Mars, I feel the wounds have been freshly opened and I am allowed to ask again: what the hell is the appeal of Paris Hilton??
Okay. I get that she�s rich and skinny and blonde. That�s what she�s pretty much known for. That fact has been permanently etched into the public consciousness like a 13th Century woodcarving of the Apocalypse�s Four Horsemen (Death, War, Famine, and Peroxide). You couldn�t miss it if you blindfolded, facing the other direction, and dead already. But is that really enough to warrant the ubiquitous attention from the media and her status as a sex symbol? Because she doesn�t look like she�d be very good at it. Sex, I mean. I don�t care what anybody thought of that Rick Solomon video (which I did not see, because�ew), she doesn�t look like sex would be a very exciting endeavor with her.
I mean, let�s break it down: aside from the knockers, which I�ll admit are nice (as these things go -- I am admittedly not the authority on knockers), she�s built like a ten-year-old boy. A ten-year-old boy with kind of fried-out hair extensions. And she�s always got her eyes kind of sqiunty and half-closed, as if she�s perpetually under the influence of over the counter night-time pain relievers, and giving that glassy, anemic smile that you occasionally get from lobotomy patients. Are lobotomies hot, now? When did that happen?
Let�s be real. Empirically speaking, aside from the skinny and the blonde (which are also acquired tastes, I should point out), she�s not really all that attractive. I mean, she�s just not! Squinty eyes, empty smile, shiny tuberculosis complexion, droopy nose job�it�s just not racking up the points, as far as I�m concerned. Sadly, it would also appear that Skinny, Rich, and Blonde also make up the base of her skill set. Certainly she can�t really list Moving and Talking on her CV, unless she wants to be laughed out of town. Sure, she makes occasional noises with her blowhole that simulate speech, like a dolphin, and she�s got that quarter-turn-for-the-cameras down pat, but that doesn�t make a solid foundation for stardom, people.
I don�t know. Maybe I�m being a bit harsh on her. I really do think that, if she cleaned up her act, she could certainly be a lot more compelling and interesting than she is at present. I mean, a little grace and class go a long way, as far as I�m concerned. She could really leave behind the parade of greasy, wannabe losers she�s been dating (I mean, Nick Carter? Rick Solomon? It�s like she�s figured out a great punchline, but she�s not yet aware the joke? Is on her.), and upgrade to some greasy, wannabe winners (like Fred Durst, or any other one of Britney�s castoffs)(you know, now that she�s "happily" "married", I�m sure she wouldn�t mind). (By the way, while we�re on the topic, have you seen Britney�s "wedding" photos? I love how her bra strap is totally hanging out of her wedding micro-mini, like clas-say.)
In any case, I just don�t get it. I think it�s kind of a sad reflection on us that we�re impressed and engrossed by Paris Hilton, not because of how she does so many great and interesting things, but because of how she pretty much does absolutely nothing. She�s rich and privileged and blessed with an almost unparalleled ability to help her fellow man through money and personal involvement (she doesn�t exactly have a 9 to 5 to worry about, y�all), and yet she squanders all of it on photo ops and disgustingly overpriced, frou-frou carrying cases for her un-housetrained dog, who still has the four capable legs God gave him, thank you very much.
Anyway, I suppose I have no right to judge Paris Hilton for how she lives her life, since I�m not her and don�t walk in her (grossly expensive) shoes. But I do live in America, and feel qualified to cluck my tongue a bit at her rather inexplicable celebrity. Sigh. Let�s all read a book.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: donkey punching wife I�m Watching: Veronica Mars, which is great, despite the fact that I kind of don�t much care for Paris Hilton. I�m Training: My replacement! Hooray!