�I guess if Josh doesn�t go home tomorrow night, I�ll have plenty to go berserk about�
I said that yesterday, but I was really kind of joking. I mean, the very idea seemed so absurd, so far-fetched, that it didn�t even occur to me that I might actually find myself following through on that promise. I mean, Josh? Making it into the Final Four? Ha!Ha ha ha! HA! HA! See how I�m laughing? See how funny that is?? See how the laughter is fighting back the cold sweat of desperation I feel whenever reality whips back around and slaps me in the neck? Oh my gosh, I�m going to cry again.
How did this happen? I thought that when The Dread Carmen finally got axed, that things were starting to look up! Finally, people were beginning to recognize that neither Josh nor Carmen belonged on that show! I was so excited because, at long last, it was going to turn into a real competition that I could start to fully enjoy. So what the fuck went wrong???
Okay, I have to organize my thoughts. I don�t even know where to begin. Let�s start with the fact that we all knew Trenyce [last name no longer necessary] was going to be in the bottom two this week, because she really did have the smallest fan base out of the four remaining decent singers. But it was so obvious that Josh deserved to go, what with his flatness and his blandness and his mediocre performances, that it just seemed like they were bringing her out there in deference to tradition only. Like, in the rules, it says you have to announce the bottom two, so come on down, Trenyce!
But then? Then? Then the unthinkable happened. It was down to Ruben and Josh. And, people, it was Ruben. It was Ruben in the bottom two. In the bottom two, it was Ruben, and not Josh. The bottom two was a singular unit comprised of two people, neither of whom were Joshua Gracin, the off-key Marine. Joshua Gracin, whose performances have been less engaging than five minutes of scrambled porn, received more votes than the crowd-pleasing, accurate-note-singing, interesting, charming, lovable Ruben Studdard, and was therefore not in the bottom two. And Ruben was.
It�s like something out of science fiction, you know? I mean, it�s just that preposterous and unlikely! I mean, the hell?? And the second they announced Ruben�s name, the audience reacted like a crowd of medieval serfs during an unexpected eclipse. I mean, you�d have seriously thought the world was ending. There was a moment of shocked silence�and then chaos. Even Simon Cowell�s poker face dropped (like a comet, I should point out) and the look of surprise and disgust on his face was priceless.
For my part, my jaw hit the floor so hard it bruised (my jaw, not the floor), and the same was true for May Day. Immediately, we got up to check for other signs of the apocalypse, as, over in Glendale, Joshua Gracin hung his head and Trenyce came to the realization that she was indeed going home. Even Josh recognized it was a mistake.
I mean, the wrongness of this is so immense that it defies logical analysis. First off, Trenyce kicked ass on Tuesday. Even if you�re not a huge fan of hers, you have to admit she rocked. At least, she rocked much, much harder than Josh, whose performances were so lame as to be almost negligible. And maybe that�s the issue here! Did you notice that when the judges were just sort of non-committal with The Dread Carmen, she kept moving on, but when they turned their full wrath upon her, she started to get fewer votes? Maybe Josh is still around because they equivocated about his awfulness too much?
And here are some other theories I�ve been working on: 1) Carmen and Josh were splitting the This Contest Isn�t About Talent, It�s About Promoting Good, Christian Values For Our Good, Christian Children vote. When The Dread Carmen took a hike, all her votes went to Josh. Meanwhile, Trenyce and Kim Locke were busy divvying up the Talented Soul Diva votes, which Kim has recently been claiming more and more of. 2) Due to the vote split, Trenyce really did receive the fewest votes. In order to create a scandal-driven ratings spike, producers rigged it so Ruben would be in the bottom two, knowing he wouldn�t go home. 3) Florida tallied the votes.
Oh, and a parting thought -- did anyone else notice how, even though she got mercifully booted last week, The Dread Carmen still came back? And what�s worse, the producers continued to pimp her out to us with close-ups and little Carmen-oriented business all night long (she was the only returning contestant Seacrest hugged -- at least, on camera). We can�t get rid of her!
Whoops. Busted on the Mario Kart front.
