Oy. So I just finished a job interview for a full-time position here at Titanic Cruises. Kent, one of the big bosses here, just grilled me for the better part of a half-hour on why I�d want a permanent job, and blah blah blah small talky talk blah. Fact is, I�m not even sure I do want a permanent job here. I mean, I want benefits and more money (who doesn�t?) but do I really need them from these people? Let�s just take a quick look back at some things I�ve said about this place over the six months I've worked here:

�So I'm sitting here at work, and I'm seriously beginning to reconsider my college career in the food service industry ... see, right now I'm a receptionist. Okay, fine -- technically I'm a temp, which is even worse, but I'm filling the role of 'receptionist' at this boat chartering company. It's a real pain in the ass.� In Which Our Hero Takes a Call

�Plus which, no one but me is actually working in the office, so it's going to be lots and lots of fun. Only take out 'fun' and replace it with 'aggravation'.� Rolling the Dice

��the phone will not! Stop! Ringing! I'm about to wrench it out of the wall, socket and everything, and throw it bodily through this birdcrap-streaked window and into the harbor once and for all.� Our Hero Needs to Get a Life

�Yeah, so it's my job to answer the phone; that doesn't mean that I'm happy to put up with every jackass in town and their idiot questions. No, I don't know when Dolly will be back from lunch. No, I don't know why she hasn't called you back yet. Most importantly, no, I don't care about your stupid office Christmas party that you didn't see fit to start planning until two weeks ago.� A Few of My Least Favorite Things

�Anyway, even if I could get up right now, getting to pee would still be a chore. See, the office? DOESN'T HAVE A BATHROOM! No, I'm not kidding. And no, this isn't a sick, sick joke. Well, maybe it is a joke, but I'm not the one laughing. In fact, if I laugh too hard, I might just wet myself.� In Which Our Hero Has to Pee Really, Really Bad

�She's all, "Now, some places may even have directories of all the Social Chairs that they can just fax, but most of them probably won't. So, like, go to the university's website and see if you can track down the houses and then call around to get names and addresses and phone numbers, and then create a database so that you put together a mass mailing. If they're not listed, you can call general information and they'll transfer you around till you get someone who might be able to help. It won't be that hard at all!" And I'm like, "Are you listening to yourself? ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF??? 'Won't be that hard at all'?!?! That's completely antithetical to everything you just told me! Are you high? Are you high? ARE YOU??"� Voodoo Dolly

�Sadly, it is mostly the Entitled Jackasses of this world who like to do business. Like the man who called yesterday, twice, and bitched me out because I was busy answering questions for a nice, if somewhat befuddled, old woman on the other line who called before he did. The second time he called, he snapped, "You stuck me in hold for a long time and nothing happened!" Yeah, well, that's why it's called 'Hold', you dumb fuck. If that's where everything "happened", it would be called 'Action!', wouldn't it?� Thanks For Calling, Why Should I Help You?

�Bitching me out or reading me the riot act about how unsatisfied you are really doesn't do a shitload of good. I've got about as much clout in this office as the mailman. Except probably less, because the mailman at least delivers the checks.� Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

�This office is a fucking joke. Nothing here works right, including the employees.� In Which Our Hero Hates His Job

�Seriously, what the FUCK is up with this piece of shit, Mickey Mouse office?� In Which The Customer is Always, Always Wrong

�For real now, guys. I'm so sick of this "Shared Bathroom" bullshit.� A Face, a Place, and a Stupid Race

�Frankly, I'd just as soon this whole office was swallowed by a lake of fire at the moment.� Devil Dolly

�And then there�s all these people calling today. Everyone needs to get laid, or something, because these assholes are all so damn cranky.� Why Is Everyone So Rude-Ass Today?

�Sometimes this job is fun.� Names Are for Sissies and Sane People

Oh! And speaking of judging, how glad am I that Clay Aiken is knocking �em dead over on American Idol? It�s totally awesome to see all those teeny-boppers (and middle-aged boppers) fawning all over him like a bunch of sex-starved sycophants. It�s very encouraging to all skinny gay boys everywhere that Clay is turning into a sex symbol.

Oh, please. Don�t look at me all shocked -- you just know he�s gay! Have you seen how close he is to fellow contestant Kimberly Caldwell? Kimberly is a total fag hag if ever there was one. Not that there�s anything wrong with that! I love me some fag hags -- every good gay boy needs one (or two or seven or whatever) -- and Kimberly Caldwell seems all too happy to fill that role. Witness her song choices: Melissa Etheridge? Cher? C�mon. And then last night when she kissed that gay boy in the audience? I�m telling you, Kimberly Caldwell is just a girl who likes boys who...like boys. And I love her all the more for it.

And that�s exactly what I look like, too. Actually, I have to confess that I kind of cheated on this quiz. The answer I kept getting was that I was the �Funky Style� Gay Guy, which is cool and I can totally live with that, but the accompanying image was this freaky drag queen in a psychedelic unitard and it was scaring the children. Will no one think of the children?

my last adventure: Miranda's Rites
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my next adventure: My Brother And I Are Going to Hell