So I should probably say something about the war, just because it�s out there and occupying everyone�s mind. Personally, I think it sucks, so I won�t go into it in detail but to say this: I support my country, and I support the men and women who are risking their lives to fight for it (and us), but I think the war itself sucks. I have absolutely no faith in George W. Bush. I think he handled this situation miserably, and if by next year I haven�t been blown up by a dirty bomb, succumbed to radiation poisoning, died horribly from chemical or germ warfare, or otherwise been killed in retaliatory terrorist action, I will most assuredly not be voting for that asshat in the next election. Not that I voted for him in the last one -- hell, the majority of the nation didn�t vote for him last time -- but he really needs to get the fuck out of office. Sure, something needed to be done to deal with the rising threat of nuclear weapons and such, but come on -- he�s doing this without UN backing, without allies, without full support of his own damn country, and without a single, farking clue. He�s a cowboy waging a fool�s war, and it�s our friends and loved ones with their lives hanging in the balance because of it.
Enough. If I think about it, I�ll end up cowering under my desk and praying. Again. Let�s talk about how bad my brother and I are, okay? Incidentally, if you�re easily offended, please don�t read this. And don�t send me nasty emails about it, either, or I�ll have to make fun of you and call you names, and then I�ll feel bad. So prevent the vicious cycle before it starts, okay?
Now, KillerWorkout called me last night to tell me that his birthday gift finally arrived. Then we started talking and I quickly realized that when we do get nuked by the terrorists, my little brother and I are going straight to Hell. Here�s why:
KillerWorkout: So I was at school, right? And there was this dude standing outside with one of those sandwich boards, and I�m thinking, �Okay, it�s another protest.�Me: Ooh, we have those! Except over here, the cops show up in riot gear and hit you with big sticks.
KW: Yeah, well, I�d like to hit some of them with big sticks, too. Like, get out of the road, hippie!
Me: I�m telling mom you said that, and then she�ll hit you with a big stick.
KW: I�m trying to tell a story here, okay? Shut up for a second.
Me: Fine. But I�m telling mom you said �shut up�, too.
KW: So I�m thinking this guy is protesting the war, only then he turns and I see what the sandwich board says. I can�t remember it word for word, but it was something along the lines of �I�m Going to Heaven And You�re Not And Here�s Why�.
Me: Love that guy. Sandwich Board of Evil.
KW: Right.
Me: There was one of those where I went to school, and he had a list of everyone that was going to Hell on it.
KW: Were you on there?
Me: Well, it was more general than that. Like gamblers, junkies, fornicators, homosexuals �
KW: Democrats, women, foreigners, gun control lobbyists �
Me: People who laugh ever, people who love their kids, people who wear white after Labor Day �
KW: And Martha Stewart.
Me: Basically.
KW: That would be cool. This guy just had a huge picture of an aborted fetus on his board.
Me: Awesome. Fetuses rule.
KW: Hee! But I�m so evil.
Me: Uh oh. I think I know where you�re going, and I�m already there.
KW: It made me want to go home and get a coat hanger �
Me: And a big cardboard sign that said �Abortions: $5� �
KW: And go stand next to him! Hee!
Me: Or, like, a great big �I Heart Aborted Fetuses� sign!
KW: �Aborted Fetus is MY American Idol!�
Me: �Have You Seen Me?�
KW: �Will Work For Aborted Fetuses!�
Me: �Aborted Fetus For President!�
KW: We�re going to Hell, aren�t we?
Me: You�d have to ask that guy with the sandwich board.
Not that either of thinks of the abortion issue as a joke, but crazy religious protestors are hilarious. Not so funny when they�re eschewing a tip in favor of giving you a pamphlet with a gruesome representation of the crucifixion all over it, but just in general. Like, there�s just something inherently humorous about the statement, �You�re going to Hell because you judge people!�But basically, my brother and I are going to Hell, and if you laughed at all while reading this, so are you.
