I recently received the most current issue of Entertainment Weekly, the cover of which is graced with a photo of Gwyneth Paltrow, giving her best Mona Lisa smile and looking more than ever like Sissy Spacek from her Carrie days. After giving it but a mere glance, I found myself immediately interrogated by the tagline, which demanded to know �Gwyneth: Mom or Movie Star?� Personally, I hope this quiz is being graded on a curve, because my instinctive answer was neither of the presented options, and I had to commit myself rather blindly to making a guess.
My prediction? La Paltrow most likely thinks of herself as a Mom, but would love for the rest of us to continue on thinking of her as a Movie Star. Strangely (for me), I make this observation with no acrimony. I respect any individual for their dedication to parenthood, and in particular people who choose their children over the wellspring of affluence, influence, and constant attention enjoyed solely by those who have had the opportunity to see their names at the top of the marquee. (Even if, immediately under their names, the marquee said things like �Duets� and �A View From the Top�.) I�m heartened by the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow loves her daughter enough to put her at the top of her priorities, as I think that�s what any rational human being should do.
Of course, most rational human beings wouldn�t name their child after a piece of fruit, but given that she dutifully steps to the rather adamant (if cranky) defense of same in the manner any parent who makes such a gutsy move must readily do, I can almost get over that, too. Almost. Her defense, for those of you who don�t subscribe to EW, is �To me the name Apple is so beautiful and sweet, and people are named Rose, people are named Lily, Ivy, June, May. People are named nouns all the time. How can people say, �Oh, it�s so bizarre�?� Good point, Gwyneth. Now, explain that to the thirty-some-odd classmates she�ll have in kindergarten, all of whom will be snickering behind their little hands every time roll is called. Also, nobody ingests any of those nouns you cited. Aside from the occasional �Cherry�, there are extremely few edible children out there, and I refuse to entertain the notion that sometime I�ll have names like Banana, Melon, and Pork programmed into my cell phone.
Anyway, before you start getting the crazy idea that the icy cavern in my heart that was previously reserved for Ms. Paltrow has begun to thaw, allow me to get to the actual point, which is primarily this: I don�t think I perceive Gwyneth Paltrow to be half the Movie Star that Gwyneth Paltrow thinks I should. She has certainly proven herself capable of very accomplished work (Shakespeare in Love, The Royal Tenebaums), but she�s also proven herself capable of some real crap, too (Bounce, Hush). As I�ve mentioned before in this space, I don�t find her blunt �honesty� in the press regarding these works of hers to be as refreshing as I�m apparently supposed to. She defends her public badmouthing of her own work, saying �you�ll maybe twice hear me saying I genuinely love a film, because I don�t lie.� �I don�t lie�, I should point out, is the same excuse employed by anyone who feels buoyed by an over-inflated sense of self above the twin commonplace virtues of decorum and diplomacy that anchor the rest of us in banality. (And that�s not just a slam on Paltrow, either -- I know plenty of �ordinary� folks who �don�t lie� all the time, and I�m not too keen on them, either.)
In another recent issue of EW, in reference to her upcoming film Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, Gwyneth Paltrow said, �I never thought me, of all people, would be in a move where they�d be like, �Okay, roll to your left�there�s a giant robot coming at you!� But I love the fact that I am.� Oh, we love it too, Gwyn. It�s just so�quaint.
Anyway, I think my overall point is that although Paltrow makes a point of denying that she�s a Hollywood Star of the J.Lo variety (the thought alone probably gives her hives), she would love us all to think of her as the reinvention of the classic Movie Star, a la Grace Kelly. And�I don�t.
Someone Got Here By Searching For: cream on my face I�m Watching: North Shore, and Shannen Doherty better show up right the hell now. And: LAX, because I�d feel like a traitor to all mass media if I didn�t.